Retired.

I've decided to retire this blog, I feel as though it does not represent who I am as a person now, especially after such a significant transition.

you can find me here now; http://sharinglungs.wordpress.com/

And all in all I guess it's for the better if you don't remember anything.

Just for the record, I'm lost.

If someone could sit me down and take all my thoughts and feelings out of my skull and organized them on the table for me, that would be great. Maybe then I'd know how I really feel and what I really think and how I should really act.

And I want to give up, honestly. I feel as though I shouldn't be fighting tooth & nail with myself to conquer my fears until I'm given a solid reason to. I'm not getting any reasons. I KNOW I'M NOT WRONG FOR FEELING THIS WAY. If I feel like this, there is no way it's wrong, there is no way it's making me a bad person.

Ugh I just don't want to be the fucking insecure, non-trusting, difficult project in anyone's life. I don't want to have to 'fix' myself.

empty;

"I think there will always be nights when I wish I was clean and pure inside, light and airy when I walked, empty, empty, empty, and free."

Fragile.

I'm beginning to hurt myself with all this nonsense. I don't understand what happened or even where my mind is. I'm having second thoughts.

Someone, tell me what exactly I deserve. Because it's all looking so fuzzy to me.

I wish I knew why I am so fragile right now.

Don't leave me.

I'm too emotionally fucked to see anything right now.

I'm scared to death of being left.

What am I to you?

I'm losing my best friend, again. This is the second time, now, and after the first time, I told myself I'd never let it happen again if we ever got back in touch. Well we did, and now look - I can't do a thing about it. I might never see him again, if something happens that we all hope doesn't. He's going to leave me. He is my backbone, my partner in crime, the only person in this world who knows my deepest, darkest secrets.

If what we hope doesn't happen, does, I might disappear. I told him numerous times I'd run away with him, if that's what it comes down to. I don't want him to feel alone. And he's honestly the only person I trust.

Tonight is the last night I'm hanging out with him, hopefully for only three months, not forever.

I've been trying to find words to explain how I feel, but I can't. I feel so let down. With everyone. No one can even find time to include me in on plans I'm part of because, I mean, who really cares what I have to say about anything or what I might have to do later.

I don't know. I guess we'll see what happens.

All the others before me can't doubt.

Watch me as I run full speed with my dreams. This is my break, this is it. This is everything I could ever wish for. This is my key to success and happiness.

Someday, I will be everything I could ever wish for. And I'll continue to be the best I can be to so many people. This is what I strive for. I want to be everything I can. I will be someone's best fucking friend. I will love someone unconditionally and be their everything. I will make someone happy. And I'm sure I'll be the worst enemy to someone, as well.

It's my drive and motivation and openness I want to be looked up to for. The way I stand my ground and charge forward for the things in life I want. My strength. The fight I put up just to get where I am now, and where I'll end up later.

There is one thing I can promise you, and it's this;

from this day forward, I will never let you down or disappoint you.

The Great Below.

Someday, I hope I learn to keep everything under control.


I hope that someday is soon. I can't continue to live like this, everything will just keep losing it's meaning.


Fuck. What an emotional night.

Gasping for air.

It's funny how about a year ago, everything fell apart, almost like this. I ended up moving out for six months and tried to rebuild my life.
Well, here I am again, struggling so bad to just keep my head above water.
Maybe, someday, all this will be better and everything will clear up.
I've lost touch with my optimistic side.

And the worst part is, this isn't my fault.

Goodbye Childhood.

Until this moment, I never understood how hard it was to lose something you never had.

Years ago, I was swallowed alive by something that has taught me nothing but to focus on self control. Looking back, I can't think of a time when I didn't care. That's so unheard of to me, my mind can not grasp it.

I'm always growing, I'm always changing, I'm always learning. But I feel like I never really was a child.

I've been lifting myself out of my own mind for weeks, now. I'm learning so much.

Running Again.

I don't really know how to explain my life right now. One half of me is flying and so happy, and the other is in absolute panic.

My time is almost over with living here. It's so hard to go from living on your own where no one cared where you were each night and couldn't tell you what to do with your money to having to answer to someone about your every moves. I'm prepared to run again. A part of me likes it, finding a new place to live and starting fresh, and I want to be on my own so bad. I miss that freedom.

I've pushed my body to the absolute limit over the past few days, and I'm not about to stop either. 4 hours of sleep in three days. I've got a weekend full of work and fun. I'm seeing Tool Sunday night. I am so fucking excited. I'm pretty positive I'm taking years off my life.

Human after all.

I've found new motivation to change my habits. I've decided to quit smoking August 24th (the day Jimmy leaves for boot camp and has to quit as well) and I'm also trying out recovery (self) over a problem that I have been dealing with for longer than I can remember. I've come to the realization that no one wants me to see the way I want to see myself, physically, and I also do not want this 'disorder' to destroy more relationships. I want to be able to accept myself for who I am, no matter what numbers read out each morning. I'm sick of letting such a small thing rule my life. Each day, it's like my mood relies on these numbers, and it shouldn't be that way.

We'll see. I'm happy. I'm careless.

Oh, and this is definitely who I am, and I'm sick of hearing that it's not from people who no longer know me or associate with me. Everyone changes. For four years I was a person that someone else made me out to be, living a life full of restriction. And now I'm free, and finally finding myself after so long, and I have all these great things ahead of me. Everything in my life has so much potential right now to turn into something great. And I'm really grateful to have that right now. I don't think I ever did before.

By the end I want everyone dead.

I said run.
And you won't be able to see me because you'll be bleeding from the eyes.
The thought of your genitals makes me sick and I bet you could fit five cocks up that ass.
Why don't you just strap a mattress to your back?
These are the last days of the rest of your life.
Next time I want a better excuse - dropped like a bad habit.
I wash my hands of you all.
My slate is clean.
And I'll be smiling all the way to the bank.
Face down, ass up; I want to destroy something beautiful.
By the end I want everyone dead.
By the end I'm going to be the only one standing.
Not even your children are safe.

This is how I feel. Thank you, The Acacia Strain.

All Done.

One day I know when I see you;
Far from these days that beat us,
Far from my habits perfect prison.

I'm sick of ignorance and arrogance. I feel like it follows me everywhere. I'm sick of trust, and the act of building it. My patience is wearing far too thin with each friendship that gets ruined because I've let myself get fucked over. I'm sick of being vulnerable, and I'm sick of realizing all the ways you manipulated me and wore me down.

Fuck all you people.

I'm strong, I'm smart, and I am certainly powerful. I've got the whole fucking world in my hands right now and I'm not about to put it down and give up because I've got some immature dramatic bullshit trying to tie a noose around my neck.

Trust me only as much as I can trust you.

Bye!

I'm about to leave for the Cape, which I have mixed feelings about, but I know it will all work out in the end. I'm bringing my camera, and I plan to take pictures of everything. I've been depressed lately, about how my life is, and I feel like I could use this escape, even if it's only for a day. My Dad and I sat and talked the other night, and it really put a lot of things into perspective, but these things are also really, really depressing. There's a lot that is going to start happening, very soon. I wish they wouldn't, but I guess in the end it will be for the best and hopefully everyone who isn't happy now, will be then. Ughhh I guess we will see.
And I plan on doing a lot of trips this summer, even though its halfway over. I'm going to Bangor next month, and following that, I'll be swinging up to Moosehead Lake for a few days with my Dad and his canoe.
I'm seeing the world, finally. I miss traveling.

Where were you when we were getting high?

I'm really elated about life right now. Everything is perfect. I could not be happier.

Today, Jimmy and I drove around at dusk looking for some graffiti with my camera, guns, and gas masks. I swear, half the amazing shit I do in life involves him, because he is probably the only other fucked up person on this planet like me. And I'm really glad about that. He's my best friend, and just having him in my life alone has made everything I went through worth it. He leaves this August, and I honestly don't know what I'm going to do without him. Next summer, I'm moving out to his apartment for a little while if he ends up in California. To see the world. I am so excited.

I'm also so happy about having a dope boyfriend :). He's amazing and makes me smile constantly, and drives me wild. I hope he sticks around for a while.

I've come to realize I'm an extremely fucked up person, especially when it comes to people fucking me over and the information I hold. Don't fuck me over. Honestly, you'll regret it for the rest of my life. I don't ask for much; no lying, be loyal, don't do anything that will hurt me. It's not hard to be straight with me, and tell me the truth, and make me aware of things that are going on. I respect anyone who can tell it to me as it is.

Speaking through photographs.

i always take the time to look at your new pictures b/c they're always fascinating. i was wondering, how much has that camera impacted your life? from what i can see, it defines a large part if you. i know we're not close or even talk lol but you pictures say so much about you that i cant imagine you with out you photography

I got this message today on facebook from a girl I used to be friends with in middle school, before I had a d-SLR or any camera, for that matter.

So I sat down, and really thought hard about how much my camera has impacted my life. And because pretty floored the more I thought.

Photography has been with me for about seven or eight years now. For my eleventh birthday, I got my first digital camera from my parents (Kodak Easyshare) and began to photograph everything is sight. Somewhere on this computer, I still have all the random shots that never amounted to anything. Then, for my fifteenth birthday, my parents took me to pick out a better camera, and I got a Nikon Coolpix point & shoot. Though, at this point, I had already begun looking at bigger, better cameras. But I was told if I wanted a d-SLR, I would have to buy it myself, with my own money.

So, for about two years, I started experimenting more with my little point & shoot. Learning ISO and timers and micro photography. But even using the custom settings, it wasn't enough for me, it was all too controlled.

The Christmas of 2006 was when I bought my Canon Rebel XTi. And it was probably the most expensive piece of confusion I had ever bought. But it didn't take long before I started to understand everything. I felt so free.







Then, in the summer of 2008, my Canon Rebel XTi stopped working. And I felt absolutely heart broken. Luckily, it was replaced shortly after with my Canon Rebel XSi.

Sometimes, when I'm bored or thoughtful, I'll go through folder after folder after folder of my photos in order, starting back in 2005, up to now. It's so interesting to watch myself grow in each photograph I pass. I'm so glad I keep everything, and I never delete anything. So its like I have my life, documented.

My camera has impacted my life greatly. And everyday, I appreciate it more than the last. Especially now, with everything I've gone through these past few months. I've created some beautiful art that is so meaningful to me. Photography is my only means of self expression, really. No matter how much I write, or speak, my photographs always say a thousand more things. I live through my viewfinder constantly, and that is truly art.

And I want to touch the world with my images.

Happiness and new projects.

I am so happy, at this point in my life. I'm surrounded by the most amazing people possible, and I've met this amazing guy who makes me ridiculously happy, and I've never taken more random photographs. Did I picture this as my life four months ago? No, never in a million fucking years.
I'm going to begin putting myself out there more. I've got a deal with a few friends to do a photoshoot for their band, and it's really gotten me excited. I'm getting myself on my feet now, and more established with the whole photography deal. I'm also going to taken on modeling, too, since I've gained a little experience just with random occurrences over the past few months, and I also feel I'm finally at the perfect weight I've been trying to achieve. I'm going to start tonight by just adding it on my facebook and myspace. Then I'll bring back my model mayhem account, and eventually it will lead to Craigslist. I'm also definitely putting money in for my own website when I can afford it because I feel like it's time. Finally.

It's the prime time of your life, now, live.

Life certainly has been interesting, but it's going good for me, I'm happy.
I've decided I'm fully moved on and ready to date, really its been decided for a while now. My mind feels so clear now, I'm so content. I have a boyfriend, and I'm excited to see where everything goes from here. :)

Someone said something absolutely shocking to me today. I'm angry about it, actually. This person had the nerve, now that attention is needed on them, to pull out the super sympathy card and tell me they 'loved me'. It's absolute fucking bullshit. There's nothing I hate more than that word thrown around like that, and it involving me, of all people. It's so fucking ridiculous and mind blowing to me, because I just can't comprehend it. It takes months, years, to just begin to feel love for someone, and that's just the beginning, because love develops with a relationship, and the more you put into it, the more you get out of it. The more love you have.

You didn't fucking love me, and you barely fucking know me based off of what you've been saying to me. Yeah, you really had me figured out, huh?

I've never felt more like an artist than right now, at this point in my life. And the wonderful part is that art grows with you, and a month from now, I'll be saying the same thing. But with art, there is always room for improvement. You'll always feel you're getting better, but you'll never be fully satisfied.

I want to photograph the world.

This is the life of the disordered.

Yesterday, I finally decided to clean out the trunk of my car. Useless shit like clothes and shoes have been sitting back there since I moved three months ago. While digging through the piles of shit, I found a bag that I had stuffed all my journals into the night everything was done. I packed them first, before anything else in those two rooms I lived in.
I have two semi-current journals. One is where I write stories, dreams, poems, random secrets. The other is a more typical journal, about my days as they come and such. I haven't written in either of them since May of 2008. Before I ran, before any of the life changing events that happened in the span of six months.
Reading through these opened my eyes to so many things I was too blind to see before. There were so many clicks made in my head. Everything fell together perfectly, it seems. Reading those journals, how could I even question the fact of where I am now. Reading, now, I saw it all coming in just tiny words here and there on a blank page.



Here is one excerpt from my story/memoir journal;

I'm suffering from an incurable illness, a disease that stays dormant in our mind and body until one day it is activated, given the correct dosage of what it feeds from. I do not have cancer, what I have is something no doctor could find in medical encyclopedia nor diagnose with any test.

My suffering comes from an indecisive mind, and small hands that can't hold such big dreams.

My symptoms, which are now just part of my life, are shattering each dream like a plate of glass to my knees, leaving scars to just be scarred over again the next day. There is almost always blood on my hands, but it is always just my own.

It's so crazy how vividly I remember my emotions at that time by just reading it over. I feel like my future is going to go the way I think it is, too. At least the near future.

I spend so much time trying to look out for myself and keep myself protected, but all the while digging myself into my own grave. I know I am going to end up getting myself hurt if I keep chasing any further. I could have everything right now. There is a boy who I know would give me the world if he could. But I can't do it. My mind is focused elsewhere, on something more challenging. If I could read people, everything would be far easier, but I don't know what to make of anything right now.

Life is amazing right now. I've been in the best mind set and photos are flowing constantly.

Stuck.

I am so unbelievably stuck. I'm so angry, and just so fucking over it all. And confused. Can't forget that. I am SO confused. :(

I'm hoping someday, I could be something you would like to have. I would love to be yours in a second.

Why am I like this? I have people who would be willing to hold my hand and be with me, but I don't want them. I want the one person I know I probably could never have.

Krissy, you'll never learn.

Exposure.

Things have been absolutely amazing lately. Everything is finally looking up money-wise, though I do have to struggle awfully this weekend to make my payments. My hours have improve to 40 hours this upcoming week, which will help me get caught up a lot. I've been hanging out with some real amazing people, and also realizing who my real friends are. I'm easing my way back in to the whole dating thing very slowly, but it is happening, and it's nice. I've been running off pure inspiration for days now, and finally begun a photo series today called 'My Confessions'. It's a very intimate photo project for me because its really all my thoughts about people, myself, life in general right in the open for all the world to see. I am taking photographs that say things to people I can't say out loud, and though it is scary to know they see it, and know its about them, it's relieving as well. I did my first run today, but there are still plenty more people I need to get my message across to, and I'm always thinking of more I could say, so hopefully over the next few weeks this turns into a massive success. I'm not hiding anymore. Who do I have to hide from, anyways?

To view more of the pictures from 'My Confessions', visit my deviantart.

Still alive, kicking and screaming.

I woke up today and said fuck it, I do not need you and I certainly do not need to impress you. These past two weeks have been hard but it will only get better from here. I'm moving on with my life, in a positive way, despite your 'proper' judgement. I'm happy. I've had some amazing times these past few weeks and it has really opened my eyes. I'm growing and becoming an amazing person due to these experiences, and I feel so welcome in this new world. Disregard what you see, because I am nothing close to what you think I am, and you have no right to judge me and tell me where I am heading because you do not know me anymore, and I can only go up from here, and I am.

May Day Parade.

Hello May.

I am sitting here in an absolute fog. Where has my life taken me now? I'm heartbroken, alone, living. I don't know how I feel about anything because my opinion changes every minute.

I miss you. I'm sure you know. I'm sure you probably hate it more than I do. You don't want me to miss you. You're probably so over this and everything there is that has to do with me.

Four years. Of what? Of us. Us us us. We changed. But we lived inside each other's lives. Now we live seperately. We don't talk. This is teenage heartbreak. I know. I will grow and live and learn and wake up someday and not think of you. I know.

But that day seems so far away, and everytime I wake up I feel like I've taken a step backwards, not forward.

I've been living, having fun, enjoying my life and the freedom I've found. It probably looks so badly, in your eyes. What I'm doing now. You've upgraded and I've downgraded. I don't see it that way though. But I'm positive you do.

I am not a bad person. I know this. But I also know how easy it is to judge, for you especially. And you're the last person in the world I should care to impress right now. But I want to. I don't want you to see me and feel as though you got waste out of your life. I am going places, and so are you, and we can thank each other for that. You were the best thing that ever happened to me. And this will be, too, someday.

Shattered.

I'm running, again. It's only been a few months, and I've ended up here again. I'm alone, and I'm really not scared to be who I am now.

...

I'm a mess, I guess.

/myxomatosis.

I don't know why I feel so tongue-tied
Don't know why
I feel
So skinned alive.
My thoughts are misguided and a little naive
I twitch and I salivate like with myxomatosis
You should put me in a home or you should put me down
I got myxomatosis

Life.is.ridiculous

I can not even grasp my life, as of lately.
oh& I've a tumblr. :http://sharinglungs.tumblr.com/

We Are Human After All.

I came home last night after an amazing night out to find our room absolutely clean and that cute note on my keyboard. I feel so lucky. I have an amazing boyfriend.

Ohh heyy, I'm finally taking photos again. And I got a subscription on deviantart again :)

When I grow up...

Heyyy, I'm Krissy.
And I'm going to be a Power Reactor Health Physicist.

Military

I don't want to seem ignorant saying/asking this, but I really want to know why...

Why do people in the military (especially marines) rush themselves into marriages and children? There are girls younger than me talking about marriage and posting their pregnant bellies and wedding pictures all over myspace with men they've only been with 6 months to a year, and are being sent out this summer. It almost makes me sad because these poor young girls honestly don't know what they're getting themselves into despite how much they think they do. You're going to be a single parent for the first half of your baby's life while your husband is fighting for our country, and it will be hard. You'll stay up nights hoping your husband just comes home.

I don't know, I just can't see this being the life I'd like to live. I wouldn't settle down until I knew my husband would be with me. Sure, I'd be proud to be with someone fighting for my freedom or whatever, but I almost feel like they're just trying to rush things as fast as they can incase they die, which is an awful way to look at things, though it is the awful reality.

I think I just answered my own question.

Adventures.

My life has been crazy and tiring and busy and all that shit.

I went up to my best friend's apartment in Bangor, Maine, over the weekend. It was amazing. I love us.



What to do next, what to do next...

Peace?

I don't believe in peace. Whats the point in fighting for something that is about NOT fighting.

I think people are stupid. I'm not the ignorant one, it's you.

heyyyy weekend.

Ahhhh i'm so sick for my first weekend off. I've a blown headgasket in my car. I'm really bummed.

But, Ray's grill finally came in the mail, so that's what we're doing today, after I go to breakfast with my Dad and get my nails done with my mom.

Oh, and i have this awful tendency to match things to my car? I have red sunglasses that I only wear while driving it, and a cute mug with red polkadots that sits between my legs while I drive and spills and burns me because I don't have functioning cup holders. of course.

My life with CVS

Urg I'm really not digging this. Barely sleeping, to wake at 5:30 am. I'm doing a beauty department reset in the Newington Mall, near Portsmouth, for the next three days. Then another store. This will continue for three weeks, minus the weekends, which is amazing. As much as I'm really dreading all this work and the ten hour days and the driving, I'm really glad my district manager asked me to be on this team of four. This could really open some doors in my future, if I ever wanted to stay with CVS and make bank moving around stores.

Diva is a female version of a hustla

I got my car today and all I want to do is drive. I've already gotten pulled over, but only for a tail light being out, which I don't have to pay to fix.

Hellooooo oil change this weekend, being broke the rest of my life, and working to pay this off forever.

BEER.

if i get drunk well, i'll pass out
on the floor now baby
you won't bother me no more
if you're drinkin' well, you know
that you're my friend and i say
i think i'll have myself a beer.

I'm sitting in the dark right now, like a fucking creeper, so excited about life at quarter past six in the morning.

NEW CAR TODAY. 99 Getta. I'm driving shitbox there, and I really hope it lives the entire drive. I'm extremely nervous.

Then, Reel Big Fish and Streetlight Manifesto. Are you fucking kidding me? My life is about to be amazing.

Eat Shit.

Never, in a million fucking years, would I ever want to claim your 'art' as my own. How fucking arrogant of you to even assume anyone would.

Death Cab For Cutie Inspiration.

SKANK

That will be me in a week and a day.

I've been awake for an hour. I slept twelve hours last night. It makes me want to die. Same thing with how cold it is. It, too, makes me want to die.

Find me.

I don't sleep past 2 am anymore, and if I do, it's because I've gone to bed at 4 am or later. I'm an insomniac, and I'm getting worse.
And all I want to do is read when I can't sleep. I just finished Slaughter-House Five. It was amazing. Now I'm about to read Lullaby by C. Palahniuk. My lover.
And it's so sad because I'm starving and lonely, and I'm living off books and tea. Everything is shrinking while my brain and inspiration pot are growing.

Good morning.

Lifeeee.

Life has been grand:

1. Snowstorms and walks at 2 am with Ray.

2. Hooka smoking with friends in Worcester on a Sunday night.



3. And my VERY NEAR FUTURE TATTOO: here

No sleep.

I'm an insomniac. I'm not even going to lie. I don't know why I'm getting like this but FUCK it's so fucking annoying not being able to sleep, but feeling so exhausted and ready for sleep. I've slept an hour overall tonight. And that happened somewhere between 11 and 3. Besides that, I just toss and turn. All night.

I'm doing well with my New Years resolutions. I've lost a total of three pounds, putting my weight at 129 (as of yesterday, I could be a bit less or maybe even more today because I binged a bit). I'm really just hoping to find a decent place in the 120's to sit, but I want it to be low, and ultimately 120 flat. That would make my weightloss at 30 lbs. And I wouldn't be legally 'underweight' unless I lost another two pounds, because my BMI hits 18 at 118.

Ray and I talked about Valentines' Day, and started talking about engagement. It's not happening this year, but he says he will probably propose to me before I turn 20. That would be five years of being together. That's so long. I'm not in a rush to get married, but I think five years is the perfect place to start thinking about it, atleast, and making it a definite thing. Any longer than that with no ring, and I'd probably start worrying about us having different ideas than each other and different expectations, and I always want to be on the same page with him on everything, so that would be a problem.

I've been noticing how free I am lately, within my relationship. People have always been like 'What the fuck, you quit smoking for him? Would he seriously break up with you over THAT?' and yes, that is mostly true, but it's also about the fact that it's really not me, and someone who knows me the most, knows that. He also wants the best for me, and I appreciate that. Whether or not he'd break up with me if I took another puff, I'm not so sure, with how stable we are. I'm not really sure if our relationship would be worth ruining over a cigarette. But I don't care, either. Because I'm doing this for both of us. Not just him alone.

But when not thinking about that deeply, and having people say that, it does give me a feeling of being restricted. \

Lately, though, I've been around a few different friends who know about some piercings I have (nipples seem to be the most common) and want the same done. Of course, with something like getting your private parts pierced, you need to discuss it with your significant other. And everyone has a fucking problem with it. 'It wouldn't turn me on' 'You know I'm not into piercings'. I feel bad, because honestly, in the end, its not for their boyfriends, but for themselves. And I'd go ahead and get it anyways if I were them and wanted it bad enough. Same thing with tattoos. Ray is so supportive of me choosing an alternative lifestyle and speaking freely using my body. We both know that people aren't always going to find my tattoos and piercings cool, and that I'm going to end up limiting myself business wise depending on what I get done, but I also know that the job I have does not require a suit, or a cubicle, or anything that would not allow me to express myself. It's just a choice I make, you know? But I'm really glad I have someone who likes the same things I do, and will not be turned off by my body while I feel as though I'm making myself look better. It's nice.

My 'Complete Book of Ethnic Jokes' came in the mail yesterday. It's so old, the publish date is 1981. Because it's so old, it doesn't feed my sick sense of racist humor, so I'm not on the hunt for something common to this, but newer. I like the short 'what do you call a...' jokes. They're the best, in my opinion.

Bring on the old times.

I feel like tonight is going to be ridiculous.

Ashley Brooke, Heather, and Susan. Yessss.

2009.

I feel like I can't even judge how this year has been so far. For most of it, I've been working my ass off. Unbelievably. I just woke up a few hours ago, I'm getting sick, and I'm having a hard time making plans to get out of here.

Whatever, I'm off work until Sunday.

Goodbye 2008.

I am so glad that today is offically the last day of 2008. It's been an amazing year, but crazy.
I'm starting off by beginning a cleanse tomorrow once I wake up. It's from slimquick, so it shouldn't be too miserable.
Then I'm buying an organizer at work.
And then dedicating my life to art!

That sounds so easy. It's not going to be. But hopefully I'll atleast have fun.

I'm weird.

I think, starting the first of the month, I'm going to begin keeping an organizer. I'll post photos of my week (or scans). Maybe I'll even try the 101 things in 1001 days.
I want to make 2009 amazing. And I want to know and feel like I'm living.

Things lately;

My life lately:
-Working, like, three overnights this week.
-My sleep schedule is fucked.
-Kristen is home, so automatically my life is better.
-Christmas was badass. I got sick shit.
-I'm rebuilding the front of my boyfriend's truck. I'm an awesome girlfriend, I know.
-I have my first day off tomorrow which also happens to be the Acacia Strain show. I am going to get wrecked.
-I found someone to go see Streetlight Manifesto and Reel Big Fish with.
-I'm losing weight, from not eating real meals and working an entire night without any food.
-I plan to start my gas mask trampstamp in 2009.
-I also plan to get my 'Shine On' tattoo at some point.

I just woke up. Millions of people are coming over. I haven't showered yet.

Snow go away!

I've started up a new journal on livejournal: add me here

It's friends only, but of course I'm still going to post here, but most personal things will be over there. You can add me if you'd like, I'd love a new audience for over there.

Snow has been getting a little ridiculous. I'm getting rather sick of it.

Mid Sleep Post.

I went out this morning, for a drive by myself, after I had finished working the overnight shift. It was peaceful, and I snapped a few shots. I wish I had taken more pictures, but I drive a small 5 speed, and just pulling into roads caused me to lose traction severely. I think if I had started pulling off into snow on the side of the road, I'd never get out.

I just woke up from a three hour nap and my lower stomach is killing me. I was starving before I fell asleep, so I decided to eat some sour cream and onion chips just so my stomach will be full of something besides bubbles. Mistake. I plan on going back to sleep in a just a few minutes.

Last night was a decent overnight. Someone was finally smart enough to grab a stereo and plug their IPOD into it. So it was full of good music, atleast. Kyle and I had to cancel breakfast today due to us being broke :(, I miss going to breakfast.

So I've decided to get Ray a phantom grill for the front of his truck. They look like this:


It covers the lights, and I think the one I'm buying will have a kit to recess the lights more, making them barely visible unless they're on. Yay for illegal in Massachusetts!

Okay, time to go back to sleep now.

Day off.

Today is my only day off this week. Probably until after Christmas, I assume.


I'm going to clean and take pictures. That sounds like an amazing plan.


I also maybe a deal with myself that I'd start making an attempt at wearing lipstick. So I bought some, but I think the colors are a little harsh for me, even though they're extremely light compared to everything else we carry. I'm probably just not used to it. I'll post a photo later of me wearing it so you can see me super self concious and awkward because it makes me nervous.

I should sleep now.

My car doesn't start. It did this morning when I went to move it, but after that, it died. I miss it. I can't drive an automatic. I almost killed myself because I stepped on the break with my left foot today, believing that it was the clutch, and I was just coasting.

I'm working so much this week. Thinking about it makes me sick.

I'm thinking about a lot of things right now, and they're making me sick.

I miss dates. I don't think I've actually ever been on a legit date. My entire relationship with Ray, we were always with friends. Before we got together, we were just friends, having out with friends. I want a date. Take me somewhere, anywhere. Anything. I want to be on a date because I want to feel like I'm wanted still.


Ugh.

Clearly, I'm just not in a good mood, and I'm alone, and there is a driveway full of cars outside that remind how I'm missing out on this awesome movie I've wanted to see.

New Shades.

I just bought these beasts for $2.99.


By Spring, I want the most RIDICULOUS collection of over sized sunglasses.

Life is Completely Shitting On Me.

Today was an absolute waste of my day. The only things I've done are:
1. fill my head with awkward things on the internet.
2. look at bedrooms and realize I can not wait to move out of here and have my own little house (apt.) to decorate and have plenty of space to keep things.
3. have a mental breakdown due to the fact that I am now negative 300 dollars (yeah, that's right, THREE HUNDRED DOLLARS) due to 8 overdraft fees ($35 each). Do you understand how much money that is?! I don't even make that in a week. That could have been my entire Christmas shopping done with. Just thinking about this makes me want to start crying my eyes out.
4. have more plans fall through. Lets see, I haven't successfully hung out with Heather ONCE, and we've been making plans for the past week, and she's always the one blowing me off. That was last night's plans destroyed. Now, tonight, I was supposed to go out with Kate, but that seems more like a death plan with the way the roads are right now. So I'm here.

I really hate everything right now. I have no appetite, which I am not complaining about, but it's making me tired. I'm angry at everything. FUCK THIS SHIT. I want to sleep the next week away just because I feel like I'll feel better when I wake up. I wont. Because money doesn't just appear in a week's time while you're sleeping. Hah.

Ray is getting awful defensive about this whole moving out shit. I know this is where he lives and I'm acting ungrateful and blah blah blah, but I'm not asking to move out next week. I want to move out maybe by next summer, sometime when I'M stable, and don't owe $300 to my own bank. He makes a lot of money, and I know we'd have no problem splitting rent in a nice appartment maybe on the beach or something. They're cheap there, and they're not too bad in the next town over, Amesbury, either. It's not a ridiculous drive from either of our jobs, and we don't need anything big. Living here is making me sick. I cough constantly because his Dad smokes 2 packs a day of straight Marlboros, but it is his house and they are nice enough to let me live here, and I like living here, but theres mold growing everywhere in the bathroom, and I reak of cigarettes all the time, to the point where people think I smoke, and thats gross. I think Ray's respitory problems will clear up, too, once we leave here. That would make such a huge different. I miss having my own space. Everything in this room isn't mine besides the bed and dresser with mirror. I use his computer on his desk next to his printer, and behind me is his other, primary, computer, and desk. And to my right is his couch, and to my left is his TV, TV stand, book shelf, ect. And on top of it all is my piles of little shit because there is nowhere for me to keep my little piles organized and not shitty looking. I don't even have a closet to hang things, and being a girl, that's absurd. Hah. Whatever, I'm okay for now, but I don't want to live here for the rest of my life.

-

How does it feel when an 18 year old is acting more mature about this situation than you are?

I really can't believe you're stooping this low, and really think it's okay to act like you're not trying to get me fired, and that you're completely buddy-buddy with me, just so you can get away with 'getting paid to sit on your ass'.

Really, if what I think is going to happen, happens, you're about to get a wake up call.

I'm So Done.

I've decided I'm done with this fucking off bullshit. I feel like shit and I have no self confidence. Starting tomorrow, I'm back to strict business.

& I'm 58 dollars negative in my back account right now. About 140 dollars I had went to fucking transaction fees because I guess I overdrew my account four times, and thats 35 dollars each.

I need some cheering up.

Read this if you need some inspiration.

My Christmas List:

This weekend has been an overall bust. Anyone I've made plans with this weekend has let them fall through, the concert was sold out last night, and when I decide to call people and try to hang out with them after not seeing them for a while, their phone is shut-off. I'm so frustrated.

By anyways, I've been doing a lot of online shopping/browsing to find things that I could possibly ask for. Here it goes (don't mind how ridiculous this is, I don't expect any of this from anyone, I just enjoy the feeling of want.)

Fragrances:

Intimately Beckham (I have an un-Godly obsession with Vbecks.)


Daisy by Marc Jacobs.

Camera Shit:



Canon 70-300 mm Telephoto Zoom lens



Canon 14 mm Fisheye lens




Canon 90 mm tiltshift lens



Canon Battery Grip.(I've wanted one of these for a while, but I can never decide if its worth the money when I have that much money to spend)

Other:

- A new 02 sensor for my 91 Celica would be great, thanksssss! haha.
- A new gas tank as well.
- A giant hammer and sickle stick for my back window.
- A giftcard to H&M would probably be amazing since I live in that store.
- Books, Books, Books.
- Music. ANY KIND.
- A hug :)
- Polaroid film (600)
- fix my Polaroid flash
- A new tripod (this belongs in the camera section, but I couldn't find the tripod I want. I want one that goes all the way upside down. Like a 180-360 I think?)

Haha I don't even know. I guess I'll go to bed now.

SNOW.

So, it snowed last night. I figured I'd take a photo from inside because it's too cold out. Not like it matters, I have to go to work in a few minutes. I think its cute how Ray has this big man-ly truck, and I have my cute little KHUTTS mobile. We're obviously perfect for each other. You can tell by our vehicles.

I've made some goals:

-bar-tending license by next summer.
-motorcycle license by 20.
-rebuild a firebird by 25.
-move out of here by 20.
-have a house by 28.
-be married by 30.

haha, good luck krissy.

My shopping so far:

I bought this tonight offline for my Mom for Christmas. It's a break-apart charm, and I bought two silver necklaces for them, so I can wear my half and she can wear hers. The more I think of it, the more insecure and nervous I feel about it. Like, will she really ever wear this? Will she think it's a dumb present because her and I have never really gotten along? I want to give this to her and hope its the new start of our relationship, a more mature one. It's the one Christmas gift I'm really worried about.

So, the concert I was so excited to see tonight was sold out when we went to buy tickets this afternoon. This shows us not to be idiots and wait until the last minute next time. So, we then proceeded to do some holiday shopping. This is what I have accomplished so far:

Mom:(birthday presents for Saturday)
-A lambie blanket from Bath & Bodyworks
-A lambie plush from Bath & Bodyworks
-Lambie Slippers from Bath & Bodyworks
-Lambie Saches from Bath & Bodyworks

Obviously, I did her birthday shopping at Bath & Bodyworks. I couldn't resist how cute the Lambie Collection is. I bought myself a cute little plush, as well.

Dad:
-3 pairs of pajama pants

Laura:
- Vichy Toner
- Vichy Daily Moisturizer
- Vichy Spot Treatment
- Vichy Exfoliating Cleanser

I figured I'd do my sister a favor by letting her recieve her own Vichy Skincare line, instead of using awful cleansers that are doing nothing but bother her skin. This is the line I use, and my skin has cleared up so much. I want to keep her confident, and not suffer through her middle school and high school years so self concious about her acne like I did.

Nana:
- Vichy Reti-C Eye Care

My Nana loves using anything for her eyes, since she's so bothered by the wrinkles and dark spots she has. I'm thinking about getting her the La Roche Posay Mela D Dark Spot Treatment to help her out with the awful sun damage she has going on.

This season is turning out so expensive to me. But its late, and I guess I'll go dream about all the money I don't have as I snooze next to Lambie.

Oh, and I ordered Slaughter-House-Five. I'm anxious to read this book everyone is moved by.