No sleep.

I'm an insomniac. I'm not even going to lie. I don't know why I'm getting like this but FUCK it's so fucking annoying not being able to sleep, but feeling so exhausted and ready for sleep. I've slept an hour overall tonight. And that happened somewhere between 11 and 3. Besides that, I just toss and turn. All night.

I'm doing well with my New Years resolutions. I've lost a total of three pounds, putting my weight at 129 (as of yesterday, I could be a bit less or maybe even more today because I binged a bit). I'm really just hoping to find a decent place in the 120's to sit, but I want it to be low, and ultimately 120 flat. That would make my weightloss at 30 lbs. And I wouldn't be legally 'underweight' unless I lost another two pounds, because my BMI hits 18 at 118.

Ray and I talked about Valentines' Day, and started talking about engagement. It's not happening this year, but he says he will probably propose to me before I turn 20. That would be five years of being together. That's so long. I'm not in a rush to get married, but I think five years is the perfect place to start thinking about it, atleast, and making it a definite thing. Any longer than that with no ring, and I'd probably start worrying about us having different ideas than each other and different expectations, and I always want to be on the same page with him on everything, so that would be a problem.

I've been noticing how free I am lately, within my relationship. People have always been like 'What the fuck, you quit smoking for him? Would he seriously break up with you over THAT?' and yes, that is mostly true, but it's also about the fact that it's really not me, and someone who knows me the most, knows that. He also wants the best for me, and I appreciate that. Whether or not he'd break up with me if I took another puff, I'm not so sure, with how stable we are. I'm not really sure if our relationship would be worth ruining over a cigarette. But I don't care, either. Because I'm doing this for both of us. Not just him alone.

But when not thinking about that deeply, and having people say that, it does give me a feeling of being restricted. \

Lately, though, I've been around a few different friends who know about some piercings I have (nipples seem to be the most common) and want the same done. Of course, with something like getting your private parts pierced, you need to discuss it with your significant other. And everyone has a fucking problem with it. 'It wouldn't turn me on' 'You know I'm not into piercings'. I feel bad, because honestly, in the end, its not for their boyfriends, but for themselves. And I'd go ahead and get it anyways if I were them and wanted it bad enough. Same thing with tattoos. Ray is so supportive of me choosing an alternative lifestyle and speaking freely using my body. We both know that people aren't always going to find my tattoos and piercings cool, and that I'm going to end up limiting myself business wise depending on what I get done, but I also know that the job I have does not require a suit, or a cubicle, or anything that would not allow me to express myself. It's just a choice I make, you know? But I'm really glad I have someone who likes the same things I do, and will not be turned off by my body while I feel as though I'm making myself look better. It's nice.

My 'Complete Book of Ethnic Jokes' came in the mail yesterday. It's so old, the publish date is 1981. Because it's so old, it doesn't feed my sick sense of racist humor, so I'm not on the hunt for something common to this, but newer. I like the short 'what do you call a...' jokes. They're the best, in my opinion.