I'm always battling against myself.

I was doing so well today with not spending money at work and instead eating food I brought myself. For breakfast, a banana. Then, at work, two coke zero cans and a special K bar. My dinner was going to be a sweet & salty granola bar, but I got paid and ended up going to another CVS and spending over 8 dollars on chocolate and fucking cheese puffs. It would maybe be okay if I spent it on things to benefit me, but of course it was all these bad foods and I just utterly binged. I feel so fucking gross and stupid now. I didn't even get a large pay check and I'm supposed to be saving it.

I have a goal weight of 125 and I'm at around 145 as of this morning, so that's 20 pounds to lose, which will be impossible. I'm sick of my weight fluctating, having bad skin due to the piles of shit I eat, being broke because I spend my money on food that doesn't last, when I could just go home in a few hours and eat real food, being bloated, feeling like shit.

I just want to clean myself out and burn everything out of me. I'm lucky my job involves standing the whole time because I can't sit still and I run around everywhere. I really love when I need to face because its an actual-work out bending down and up through entire isles. I need to drink more water to avoid rotting my teeth out, with some gatorade for electrolytes. I need to not eat late at night (especially shit), and I need to learn how to make food not something emotional for me. When I'm happy, I'm hungry, which is stupid. When I'm bored, I feel like eating. Why is food such a big part of my life? I wish I could live without it for more than a few hours.

Urg.