Asphyxiation by oxygen hands.

I hate Sundays because it's around this time that I find myself with an intense migrane, exhaustion, and utter bordom. I never know what to do with myself anymore when I'm alone and no one is amusing me. I just spent about an hour doodling in my sketchbook. I have plenty to do, but no drive to do it. My room is a mess, my toenails are too long, there's tv. I don't feel like doing any of it. I want to pass out in bed, and I just might really soon. I feel weird going to bed so early. Like, when I'm not going by my normal routine, I feel like maybe something is wrong with me. Maybe something is going wrong or something will.

I had an alright weekend. Friday night, I went to the New England Dragway with Ray, Ed, and his girlfriend from New York. It sucks because:
1. I could not be a passenger when Ray raced his vehicle because I am not 18.
2. Ed and his girlfriend kept to themselves the whole time while we watched the amateur racers.
3. I sat by myself and some weird boy kept asking me questions, trying to spark a conversation because it was completely obvious I was alone while the people I was with was all over one another.
4. I wore just a teeshirt. It was cold.
5. It was amateur night. Watching amateurs is BORING.
6. Ray didn't know what he was doing.
7. We all finally realize how much of a non-racing truck the tahoe really was, and that it did not stand a chance against even the shittiest vehicles.
8. For some odd reason, this has driven Ray to work even harder making his truck into something it is not, and will not be.($$$)

I really want to help support Ray in what he wants to do, but I really do not want it to interfere with us having a normal relationship (going out to eat occasionally, going on pointless drives to places to take pictures, him seeing me regularly). He's previously been really really broke due to his truck proving itself to be a massive money dump. It would be a lot different if he had a decent paying job, but when you really factor things out, like the price of gas alone on top of monthly bills, $10 an hour is not much at all. Come this summer, if everything goes as planned for me and I become a pharamist technicion, I will be easily making over two dollars more than he is. And even that kind of pay is not high enough to help support the cost of living.

Ray has this outlook about how these next ten years of his life will be the last years of his fun and childhood. Although I understand his point of view and such, I don't agree with it. It took him nearly two years after he graduated from highschool to get a fulltime, steady job. He had plenty of fun then, and he has weekends now to enjoy free time. Once you get a job, you're going to be working the rest of your life regardless of what you WANT to do. Of course, he's not talking about being unemployed or anything, that would be dumb, but he's trying to justify that spending loads and loads of money he barely has on his 95 chevy tahoe is completely "okay" and "fun". It would be okay and fun if it didn't drive him into the negatives in his bank, and he was already on his way to continuing his education, but he isn't. As of right now, the most brought-up topics for him is trucks and possibly buying another one. It isn't signing up for classes or figuring out what he wants to major in or any other hobbies besides vehicles. He's even dropped the whole computer thing for the most part.

I don't know, I'm just trying to be realistic. I am his girlfriend of two and a half years, and I'm thinking about OUR future, but I feel as though he is just thinking of HIS. In his future, he sees a driveway full of oldschool, tricked-out mudding and racing trucks all under his name and to his disposal. In my future, there is a house and a wedding and trips to travel the world. Maybe this is the part of us that conflicts, and will never meet eye to eye. It just worries me that he puts his truck so high on his prioreties while I'm focusing on money and jobs and things that will give me all my dreams. I love trucks, and I love Ray, but the two together I almost hate because when it's him, me, and the truck, I feel like I get bumped out. I want to be his girlfriend, and as selfish as it sounds, suck all his money up. I want him to save the money, but if he's going to give it out regardless, atleast put it towards both of our future. I mean, we do talk about getting married, we really do plan on it. All I care about is that the truck drives, and wont die on us anytime soon. The headers are a plus, the sound of it is a plus, the fake dual exhaust is cool looking, and its nice to drive. I love the truck, I really do. BUT STOP BEING EVERYTHING TO HIM AND LET ME BE FOR ONCE. I feel like I don't shine as brightly to him ever since September when he found YOU, and god damn it, I want him to hold me as highly as he does YOU.

Haha, I'm almost laughing as I write this because I feel pathedic and rudely sarcastic. It's all true though, but I'm just being a cynical bitch on an endless rant.

This fucking bitch at my work that has been ruining my life since she got hired tried yet again to steal my hours that I DESPERATELY need. She called and asked if she was on the schedule this week, and when I told her no, she asked me when I was working next and if she could take my hours. Way to be a douchebag and really unprofessional. I need those hours and the schedule was made on Wednesday of last week. Here she is, calling me and telling me to tell Janet she can work tomorrow and tuesday this week, and to take someone off the schedule. I fucking hate this bitch. And she's not getting my hours.

My head is pounding and I almost threw up when I was brushing my teeth due to the pain, so its time for bed. I feel upset.