Rag and Bone

Things have gotten chaotic rather fast. My Dad is really sick, and it's got me worried sick. He went to the emergency room last night, where they pumped him full of antibiotics that caused him to vomit violently later that night, and then not be able to sleep the rest of the night. When I got up this morning, he was still awake but said he felt better. When I got home from school, his eyes were swelling rather large, and now he's swollen in a lot of spots on his face. I think it's due to the tylenol he's taking, because everyone in this family has had some kind of negative affect to anything that is for 'daytime' or 'nighttime'. It usually makes me vomit, but I think it's just causing severe swelling on him. Right now, he has a really high fever and he's feeling queasy yet again. He's on antibiotics he needs to take every six hours for seven days, but waiting for it to run it's course is just such a long wait.

I think this is a big wake-up call for him. In the emergency room last night, all these doctors rushed in to see the swelling in the back of his neck/brainstem and kept saying things about never seeing such a thing. He thought he had cancer, and they kept doing ultrasounds from his stomache up. He's really relieved that cancer is not the case, and he's also not diabetic (suprisingly). Weight is part of the issue, though, so I think he's going to be cutting back on his drinking and smoking a lot, as well as his food intake and work harder on his physical activities. I've convinced my Mom to get us a family membership to the twentyfour hour gym down the street. If she actually followed through with it, I would be amazingly happy. I'm sick of jogging and almost getting hit due to the fog, or being soaked and wet by the time I'm done with my laps.

I'm starting to become less and less satisfied with running. I want more. I know running isn't even all too amazing, but it's something I lose myself doing. When I run, it's the only quality "me" time I enjoy to the fullest. I can already feel the negative affects its having on my knee cartilage, and there is no doubt in my mind that by the time I'm thirty, I'll be having knee replacement surgery. I've been running for maybe, three years now? And I can feel it wasting my bones away. It's so gratifying, though. Exercising in general is something I find myself wanting all the time now. I don't know what brought on this sudden kick, but everything I'm not satisfied with myself is becoming more obvious each day that passes. I want perfection with my body, because I feel it's the only place where I can have that kind of control and maybe achieve something with results to show for it. I know I'll never be perfect to myself, but getting as close as possible would be wonderful. I want to be in good shape for the summer.

I've felt sick the past two days. It's probably just a mix of my period and still recovering from whatever dragged me down two weeks ago. I can't believe I'm still sick from that, but atleast it's not as bad.

I just need to make it through this week. Then, next week is vacation. Remember where I was a year ago? I'm so far from that, it's hard to believe that was even me. Was it me? I think I lost myself for a while, but I've been found again, and with the right support and love, maybe I wont run away again.

I haven't smoked in almost two months. It feels a lot longer than that, but it's still an accomplishment I'm going to acknowledge. I'm so glad it's not part of my life anymore, and that I can't even recognize why I did it and enjoyed it. I think it has a lot to do with what happened last fall that traumatized me a bit. Well, that's why my smoking picked up, I believe. I kind of shut down.

I feel like I'm at a standstill. There isn't a night when I don't wake up in a cold sweat after having yet another nightmare. All these nightmares are really drilling themselves into my life. It's scary, the way my own mind manipulates me, but everything is just so hard. There's no such thing as getting over it, but I know I can move past it atleast. But how long will it take, this time? This time around is a lot more severe, though. Not just what happened, but what also surrounded me afterwards. All the messages and words about how every finger was pointed at me. I understand now that it is not acceptable at all to take the blame for what happened, it's ridiculous. But, that didn't stop me from almost completely convincing myself otherwise, before. Sometimes, when so many people go against you, you forget who is right, even if it's yourself.

I just wish I could have a normal night's sleep, for once. A night without waking up scared for my life, scared of who could reach me.

Ray and I have barely talked over the past two days. Both days have been a major let down for me, because I was supposed to spend time with him, and now I have to wait until Friday. It's just frustrating, I guess, when I get my hopes up and they constantly get crushed, especially over the same thing. He's been putting in his headers for the past two days, which is what has seperated us. We've texted occasionally, but the last I heard from him was around 2:30 and he was still planning on coming over, but it's been hours and it's far past the time he was allowed to be here, so I'm just assuming he's still in the process.

I wish I weren't so back and fourth about it. One day, I'm floating on my toes. The next, I feel let down and sad. It's funny how much of an affect someone has on you.

I think it's time for an extreme workout.