We are ok in a misguided sadist way

After I finally went to bed last night, I slept solid until about 12:30 p.m. I don't know what it is with me lately, but I just sleep like a rock until someone wakes me up when given the chance. It's rare for me to have a day where my alarm doesn't wake me somewhere around 5 a.m., so usually I wake around then naturally anyways, but not anymore. Maybe my poor body is just trying to fend for itself again. I don't get the correct amount of sleep, I guess all these 10 hour nights are what help me survive my 4 hours of sleep a night during the week. Whatever, I do whatever it is I need to do.

I re-arranged and cleaned my room this afternoon. I'm quite pleased with the change, I've needed some movement anyways. I'm so sick of this room. No matter how many times I tear down the things on my wall or paste everything back up again, I can't get rid of this gross feeling I get in here. There's so much that has gone on since I've moved into this house. Not within these walls, but this is always where I let myself fall and think and remember and such. This whole house feels so dull and gross, especially during this season.

A year ago, so much was going on. I'm not sure when exactly everything went down, but it was around this time. I just want to make it through these next two months with as little emotional bruising possible. I don't want to fall apart, I don't want to meet the wrong people, I don't want to dissappoint anyone, especially myself. I just want to survive and make it out with everything I have right now. I'm not scared that any of those things will happen, I have control over things now, but I would be lying if I said I wasn't thinking about the past and how weak I was.

I'm doing all I can to be the amazing person I can be. Really, I can be anything and do anything. I'm not being held back, and I'm not broken. I can be anything for anyone, and that's for me to choose. I can be this amazing girlfriend that could make someone never look for what he wants in someone else. I can be a good friend that you can trust with your life. I can be that fun girl you talk to about silly things and who's company you enjoy. I can be anything I want to anyone I want, and I like that control, and I like succeeding in it even better.

I think most of my strength comes from self-discipline. I create all these boundaries to surpass and all these challenges to break through. There's so much competition right now in my life. I'm competing against people who don't even know it. All these negative thoughts in my head about people I know, I take to another level. I want to be better than them, all of them. Everything everyone likes in them, I will be, only ten times better. All the things people hate about them, I'll do the opposite. Especially for my boyfriend. I don't want to hear him talk about how good a girl was to him, and how he made the mistake of leaving her. I want him to forget that and not regret it, because I want to be better to him. I don't want him looking to others for comfort because of something I've done, because there will be no reason for him to look for comfort. I don't want to be his reason to hook up with someone, or to move on. I want to be his, and I want him to be mine, and I want him to know that I'll be as untouchable to the world as he will be. Our relationship is about being faithful, and fair. I don't want to give him a reason to worry about my faith to him, or my words. I want this relationship to house trust, because that is the most important thing when it comes down to it. You can't have love without trust.

I'm doing a lot of things to make my faith true. Really, I'm done hanging out with guys alone in general. I know many guys will be shocked to learn this, and maybe even tell me that he's being possessive, but they need to take a step back and look at it from his position. If I were your girlfriend, would you want me spending time with guys alone? Especially if I've already wronged you and proved to you that I can't handle situations like that. This will really tone down a lot of my friendships, but I'm not bothered. Guys who are looking to be my 'close friend' are only looking for nookie, or just like me in general. I don't want to get myself in any kind of bad situations again. Really, I am not going to share myself. I'm his, and only his. Feel free to hang with us both, but do not ask me to come over and watch a movie, or something like that. I'd rather be hanging out with him, or talking to him. Sorry.

It goes for the same with him. It's not that I do not trust him, because I do, but just like it looks bad when a taken girl hangs out with a single guy, it looks bad when a taken guy hangs out with a girl alone. Plus, it will keep me quiet, because I'm possessive and protective :P. It's just something I could never find myself being comfortable with, no matter who he is hanging out with thats a female. So I will give him my all, as long as he gives me his. Which he is, and always has. Now I just need to step it up a notch.

Working on our relationship in general is the best thing for us. It's so perfect right now, because I'm following my heart and so is he, and we're giving eachother all of our time and patience and love. I couldn't be happier, and I want to do so much for him. He makes my future look so bright and welcoming. I'm excited.