Today was a good day. Corey came and picked me up around 12:30 p.m. and we drove down and I was able to visit some old friends. We spent a few hours at Becca's house, catching up on everyone's lives. Then, we kidnapped Christina and brought her to Ray's house once he was home from work. It's really cool, being able to sit down with people that had been in the background of your life for years, never a major part, and talking like good friends would. I love that kind of comfort and openess in people. I'm really glad I was able to see them today, and I hope to make more of a habit of seeing them. We then spent the rest of the night at Corey's in his basement just hanging around, and then at Ray's. Good end to my long weekend.
It's only been a few days, and already the harsh side effects of birthcontrol have hit me. I barely ate today, and when I did, I felt so sick. The nausea will subside within this month, like it did before, but it really puts a damper on everything. I'm just excited to be "normal" again, but all I've felt recently is discomfort in ways I can't even explain. I constantly crave something, but I have no clue as to what it is. I'm uncomfortable, but in a way I can't explain. I feel like I constantly need something, but I have no clue what it is. It's frustrating, but I hope its just some weird thing that will drift from me soon.
I've felt really insecure recently about myself. My weight, my skin, my personality, and my behaviors as a girlfriend. I constantly worry about not being enough for him, and others, as well. I feel guilty about asking for things, because I feel I don't deserve much. I feel like every minute I have, I should be making him feel unbelievably happy and smiling. I know that is not possible, but I still feel as though I've let him down when he's sitting and not showing that he's super giddy about us, or when he's quiet and I know his brain is just cranking. Maybe, I want to do all these things and never give him a rest so that there's less time for him to really think about me as a bad person, and think of what I've done. I'm just trying to fill every silent space with a reason for him to love me more and to not think. Maybe, I'll just overdue myself and this, and it will all fall apart again.
Right now, Ryan and I are discussing the day when the world will need gasmasks to live:
[02:17] The GreasyKreesy: i hope i'm alive for the day when we need gasmasks to live
[02:17] The GreasyKreesy: haha
[02:17] The GreasyKreesy: i will be in heaven
[02:17] The GreasyKreesy: and probably supplying the world
[02:17] DirteeRice: hahahahaa
[02:17] The GreasyKreesy: with my gasmask collection
[02:17] The GreasyKreesy: :D
Ohh, freaky.
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