What you feel is what you are, and what you are is beautiful.

Everything has sped up out of nowhere. Tomorrow is the last day of the quarter/semester, and I have three finals instead of the normal two. My commercial arts teacher decided to give us today to finish our projects since no one is done, and stay after school tomorrow to present the final. I'm still not finished, although I have everything printed, the mounting just needs to be done, which I plan on taking care of tomorrow morning. I hope I finish, this is really important.

After school tomorrow, I'm planning on hanging out with Samantha and some of her friends/my friends as well. We're going to go try to get our tragus pierced again, if the lady is back from vacation yet. When we call, they say they don't do piercings when we ask because I guess they don't have a license and if they're found out, they'll get shut down. Sketchy much? I'm always one for doing dumb things. I could just wait until I'm 18 in half a year, but nahhhh. I rather risk infections and aids and fucked up piercings for this stupid little thing on my ear. Haha. Should be exciting.

After that, we'll [or I'll] do whatever until Ray gets out of work, and make our way to the Sad Cafe at 6 to support Matt's band, The Misery Series. I'm photographing their acoustic session, and I'm pretty excited because I don't even have a clue as to what they sound like, but its Matt, and he's a musical genious. I just like the whole idea of supporting my friends with their dreams and ambitions. I'm looking forward to that, but I'm not sticking around afterward. I'm sure something cool will happen, although I don't know whats happening after we leave.

I've been emailing with an advisor from MECA [Maine College of Art] about applying and financial help I could recieve. I could get a scholarship just by applying and being accepted, and if I wanted to, I could compete for free tuition my freshman year by entering my portfolio in a contest by February 1st. It has to be a digital slide-show, and there are other guidelines, but I know for a fact I wont win. But it gives me a timeline to get my portfolio in order, because I haven't really made one yet. I'm staying after sometime next week with Mr. Ariel to put it together. I need to start sending it out and going to Portfolio reviews in Boston and Manchester to get some feedback from different colleges. I need to learn to get more critiques and really listen. Enough of this I know what I like and what is good bullshit.

I've been on birth control for a week on Saturday, and its already destroying me, but I've also noticed my boobs getting bigger and my skin clearing. I don't know what I want! At one moment, I'm all happy about being on it, but the next, I can't fucking stand it. I don't know. I'm so back and fourth about this. Last night at Ray's, I had this awful mood-swing/breakdown thing where I didn't talk for like an hour and I cried about everything. That was exciting, let me tell you. I'm also under a lot of stress right now, so I can't completely blame birth control. There's just so much going on. I find myself playing the waiting game, which is the most anticipated aspect of my life right now, and I know I still have weeks or even months before I hear back about what is going to happen. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that everything will go smoothly and no big action will have to be taken, but only time will tell. I'm also putting myself down a real lot about everything. I make people out to be far greater than they really are, and I make them seem far more important to others than they really are as well. I'm putting words in people's mouths in my own head, and its sick, and it makes me sick. I just need to get over things and listen to people well instead of having some voice in the back of my head trying so hard to block their words out.

There's always some kind of battle within myself; against myself. Do I win? No.