Bitching.

I drink too much caffiene and I don't eat enough food. I'm back on my diet soda binge, trying to counteract the water weight the pill is about to put on me. I hate the feeling of bloating. I wish I were air. I think that goes a lot deeper than weight, though.

I can't escape the blame. Its all I know. All these years of pointing my own fingers at myself, and suddenly the world stops turning because of it. I feel like I'll get nowhere until I learn to lessen the weight on myself. Some things just will not work until I can grasp the concept that not everything that happens to me is deserved. All these niave fourteen year old theories have stuck with me all this time, but things like this are hard to shake. I want to be air. I was to rise like smoke from the monochromatic cracks in the concrete. I want to be free of guilt and burden. If only it were that easy. I'm learning. I'm always learning.

People are really throwing me off the deep end as of late. This one person is doing everything in her will to rub whatever she can in my face since our friendship came to a final end about a month ago. I don't see why she cares so much to try to force herself into my life so willingly with me being so unwilling; I barely know her as it is, and I don't care to be friends with her again. She's throwing herself desperately at my boyfriend for his acceptance of her, and his friendship, and it just makes me sick that she's somehow getting enjoyment out of me knowing she thinks so highly of him and not me. She has so reason to look down on me since I cleared the situation up for her quite bluntly after she decided to speak her mind about something she had no idea about.

It's sick how people just watch each other so closely, waiting for that one move that appears wrong, so they can jump right in on your life and attempt to make themselves the better person by scolding and putting someone down. Honestly, it's violating, and I've had enough violation lately to last me a life-time and then some. I really don't appreciate opinions as it is, and when someone completely barges out of nowhere trying to get some kind of built up revenge on me over something I'm really sensitive to, you just go on my shitlist automatically. Right now, that list is so long I almost feel bad. But, no, why should I?

I hate how people think their opinions are the way things should be. Or how people think they know so much about something. What happened to me is something that happened to me only. No one else experience it, and no matter how well I explain it, no one will understand the feelings that are tagged with it. When I hear people say that I'm full of shit, because I didn't take a course of action immediately, I want to vomit. Obviously, they must not know what it's like, because at one point, doing such was outrageous and so out of reach. Obviously, no one looked at the correct picture of things. No one is me, no one is living out my life and every small aspect of it. Everything in my life played a roll in what happened, from what kept me quiet to finally speaking out now. Everyone, just shut up. Speaking the way you have been only makes you look like some asshole who doesn't even try to understand.

I've made some really big steps lately that have been rather scary but have also lifted a lot of weight. I need this breakthrough, I just want it all over. I want to never hear about all this again, and I want people to look at me normally. I appreciate those who have supported me, though, it's meant a lot.