If you sting me, I wont mind.

Today, I really wished I lived in Florida, or California. Those two places are the two last places I'd ever like to go to, but the weather today just made me crave that warm sun and palm trees. Lately, I've become fascinated with Paris. I blame Team Sleep, and their song 'Paris Arm', but Team Sleep in general reminds me of what I think Paris would be. To me, Paris is a never ending evening, with the occasional haze of sunlight streaming through half shut vertical blinds, reflecting off the victorian style wallpaper of some hotel room at 6 am. I know if I were ever to go to Paris, I'd only listen to Team Sleep, because for some reason, it's so fitting. I want to live that trendy French lifestyle, someday, full of buzzing cafes plaqued with smoke from clove cigarettes. I'd bring my journal with me and begin writing a novel over some tea. I'd be in love and hold hands while walking around the Eiffel Tower, and then spend nights not sleeping in a hotel bedroom with him, where we'd be breatheless and quiet while sunlight slowly fills our room each morning, and then we'd start all over again. Oh, the dreams I hold.

My Dad drank too much tonight. I spent what felt like forever sitting on the toilet lid, listening to the sound the floor made under his feet, how different the sound was compared with someone sober. While he ate everything in sight and remained quiet, the two signs that he has had too much to drink and knows it, I could hear the uneven balance he was letting on his feet. I could hear him eating and breathing through the wall, and I thought about how much I hate alcohol. Since we've moved here, he has begun drinking far too much, far too often. It's because he has his own place to go, the garage that sits on the lower floor, the place he locks himself away in while watching the History Channel and chain smoking Marlboro Lights. He only comes upstairs to mix drinks and sometimes be a pest when he feels in the mood to bother. I hate who my Dad is when he is drinking. I wish I wasn't forced to live with such things in my life, it all just seems so pointless.

A friend of mine called me up tonight, and said she and another friend of mine came up with a master plan. In a few weeks, we're all going to get our piercings done [four of us] and they want to get unbelievably fucked up beforehand. I already explained to them I don't smoke pot, but they're trying to force me, anyways. I hate when people beg and plead with others who are clearly not interested. I don't do it, I wont do it, and that doesn't mean it should ruin your good time. A lot of my friends get high around me, and it doesn't bother me a bit. I'm looking forward to getting pierced, though. We've found a nail salon in Lawrence that doesn't card and does piercings. Sketchy, I know, which is why I'm not getting most of the things I want done. I'm just getting my tragus. I'm very bored with my piercings right now, though.


Kristen uploaded the scans from the polariods we took last Friday when we hung out. I'm really glad her and I are close friends, because she really is a wonderful friend to have and spend time with. I figured, after all that happened nearly a year ago with James, she would never even talk to me again, if not beat me the second she saw me. But we're very past all the things that happened so long ago, and now we're hanging out and laughing and acting like dumb whore asians. So many inside jokes. I'm hoping the next time she's down, she'll come hang out again, but she's very busy with her relationship and she has a lot of other friends to see when she visits from college. Fuck Bangor, she should come live back here.


I'm so fucking glad tomorrow is Friday. It's been a short week, and very relaxing, but Fridays are what I wait for the most. Especially when I'm not working, and I'm not until Sunday. Once I get out of school, I'll probably come home and take pictures, sleep maybe, and then my boyfriend will pick me up and we'll spend a lot of time together. I'm supposed to have a three hour detention tomorrow for something so stupid, so I'm not going. My parents are backing me up, so if they try to pull some kind of shit with me, I'll get Daddy on the phone. Mwahaha. On Saturday, I plan on being out of the house by 7 to go out and take pictures. Windham is so beautiful during the winter in the morning. It's the only time I love this town. Then, I'll be spending all day with my baby, and I'm so excited.

I'm so excited about this relationship and where it is going. It's the best thing for me right now, because I've become so motivated. I'm trying in school now, I'm really putting distance between myself and others, and I'm really really inspired to shoot some pictures. I tried some infared shots today, but I forgot to take the white balance off auto, so it completely fucked the pictures. I'll try again tomorrow.

I've realized that some people that I've lost recently really don't mean anything to me. I don't miss them, nor care much about how they feel. I read something tonight that just made me feel sick. How can someone who has a friendship that means something to them, not have the time or strength to fix it if it meant so much? I don't understand, so please do explain. Obviously, someone shouldn't be using the excuse that they have too much going on in order to handle a friendship that needs fixing. It's okay, I already assumed it was done for good, and now I'm definitely sure. I don't have the time or space for people in my life like that, either. Sometimes, I really wonder who the fuck people really think they are? Everyone blows up their lives so high to make them seem so mighty and on track, but it is all just bullshit. Most people's lives are just giant jokes to me, anyways, so I shouldn't be saying anything because I view most people this way. Heh.