I wont back down.

It's so cold here, it feels somewhere in the single digits. I hate New England because of this. Winter is my worst season, because I always tend to fall apart. Always. It doesn't fail, but I do. Hah, funny. Everything is porcelain and white sheets outside, while everyone's lives seem to smash at rock bottom in a big brown mess. Winter seems to be everyone's problem. With all that's been going on in my life, I've been playing the supporter more than I'm getting support. All my friends are having such hard times with relationships or lack of, and I really just want everyone to feel better, because it's hard to feel good and happy about life when everyone else is going through hard times, as well. Part of recovering is feeding off of your friend's energy. We all need each other, and that's all we have, at the end of the day.

I need to stop fighting myself. I really need to learn to let honesty override everything else in life. Nothing is more important than trust and honesty, so why have I been pushing the most important things out of my relationships? I need to find a way to respect and love myself, because no one can truely love you until you love yourself, and that means doing things the right way and working for what you deserve. I want to work hard for the things I think I deserve. Right now, I don't feel like I deserve anything, but I know with more hard work and effort and honesty, I will feel like I have a right to be in the position I am in. I'm sick of asking 'why?' everytime something bad happens, secretly knowing exactly why and lying to myself; pretending I don't deserve the bullshit I get into. But I do. I deserve every bit of it, no matter how much it hurts me. It's all a part of learning. I need to learn. I need to do a lot, and I am. I'm trying so hard right now. I'm trying to be the person I want to be, not the person I've forced myself into. My skin is too tight and scarred with lies, I'm not comfortable.

I'm so glad to have one person that is sticking in there with me. No one has ever been so into my life as he has. He knows me inside and out, and he loves me still, which is so hard for even me to believe. After all this, I am still loved. Don't I feel like shit now? Oh, you bet I do.

All the hurt I've ever put on to people, they never deserved. No one deserves to suffer for my selfish-ness, or my greed. No one. I don't want to hurt anyone anymore. I'm done. I'm harmless, I swear. Look at it as though all my harmful parts have been removed. Here I am, that little girl soft to the touch and scared of the world. I am so scared of the world and all the people in it. Look at what has happened to me. Twice now. What is wrong with people? Why do they want to destroy something that hasn't even taken form yet? Why can't people be left alone, why can't little girls grow up with normal lives, learning at a normal pace. I'm sorry to every girl that has been forced into growing up far too early in life. I'm sorry for every innocence lost, every childhood torn and broken. I want to take every vulnerable person into my room and lock the door so no one can touch them. But, whats the point of protecting those who will be free sooner or later? We all will eventually enter the real world, and we will all eventually ache. We will all know what pain is someday, why keep that from happening? Time comes when it feels ready. It's always time that is ready, not us.

Here I am, the harmless girl who knows nothing but love. But still, I am so full of hate for the world. The hate I feel, it's not my fault. I'm done taking it out on the wrong people, I'm done with being sneaky, I'm done with being dishonest.

All I want is you, alone and naked. I want to feel your love cover my body; no one else's. I want you, you make me feel safe. You make me feel things I've never felt before, and never want to feel with anyone else. You're all I want now, I don't want the world anymore. I'm done reaching for things unreachable, and falling on whatever was closest.