Lights will guide you home, and I'll be the one to fix you.

It's just one of those days where motivation seems to run and hide under all your piles of dirty laundry and mountains of dust. There's never any winning, unless you consider laying under sheets for hours on end winning. I do, of course, because when do I have time to do these sorts of things? Rarely.

It's a new year, and I feel so hungry for change; good change. I feel like if this year is another blowout like last year, I might lose all hope in everything. This is my year, the year I finally graduate, turn eighteen, and live my life the way I chose without others dictating. I've been waiting seventeen and a half years for this, for when my parents technically can't rule my life anymore and I can do as I please. Of course, in order for me to be able to do what I want, I'll probably have to move out, because my parents still have this thought in their head that I'll be having a curfew, and crazy ideas like that. Hah, that's funny.

I'm in a wonderful relationship right now, one I should be grateful for the fact that I'm in, and I am grateful. A few days before Christmas, he broke up with me, and never before in my life have I felt so down and helpless. I've never been rejected before, or broken up with, or alone. When it happened, I came to the realization that I haven't really been single in nearly four years, since the winter of my freshman year. Here I am, a sophmore, and two relationships later. I am not in the relationship because I don't want to be alone, or he is all I know. I'm in it because for those few days that we weren't together, he was the only person on my mind, or who mattered. I could have done so many things, gotten into another relationship quickly or mingled for a while, but I wanted nothing besides him, and it is still the same. He is the same person who has had me running back to him for the past two years, and it will stay that way for a while, I assume. I can tell, I can feel it in my bones.

This is the year where I'm going to take my photography up a notch. My boyfriend got me two lenses for Christmas, a Canon 17-85 ultrasonic 67mm image stablizing lens, and a macro lens. I'll be shooting mainly with the 17-85 as it completely owns my standard lens. I'll only be using my stardard when I feel the need to shoot IR photography, since I got a nifty infared filter for Christmas, as well. My macro is going to come in handy, I'm so excited to start experimenting.

I've been listening to Coldplay and Team Sleep all night. I want to lay in bed and sleep forever. I think I've worn myself down, after four days of 8 hour shifts and then going out until late at night. I need to slow down during the week, which is happening, starting tomorrow. Since it's no longer the holidays, I'll be working mainly weekends, giving me time to focus on developing in the darkroom afterschool and precalc, which is ruining my life.

I decided to stop writing at my livejournal because I really need a FRESH start. It's just an online journal, I know, but for some reason it's important to me. I'm making so many changes. I'm done smoking, for real this time. I've locked away the rest of my pack in the back back of my dresser, and I haven't thought much of it since. I really don't know why I even continued to smoke. I only did around friends, I've never been addicted or anything. It's not a problem for me to quit, it's just a waste of money and I feel guilty anyways. Krissy is clean! I want to take better care of myself because I want to have confidence again. I'm dying my hair a very deep burgundy tomorrow, and I want to get back in shape and lose more weight like I did last week. I love self control with a passion. I like challenges, I think.

I'm going to go lay around some more. There's nothing to do besides clean, and I can't see that happening.