Early Morning

I just got back from Susan's house. Tonight, her and I paper mached millions of balloons for some party she's having for kids at her restaurant. It was fun.

I'm not ready for bed yet. I don't know what I'm ready for, really. I'm just sitting in the dark, typing.

I hit an animal tonight on the way to Susan's house. It was foggy, and by the time I saw it, it was far too late, so I stepped on the gas. There was no damage done to my car, just some guts and blood. Luckily, it's raining tonight.

I wanted to pick up my camera and go out and capture something today before work, but I slept far too late, and woke up unmotivated and tired. I hate that.

I took a pregnancy test today at work. I haven't felt myself lately, there's been a lot of nausea, dizziness, and weird breakouts happening. Luckily, it came out negative, which I figured it would, but I've still no idea whats going on with my body. I think its the change in my diet, because I've been eating a lot more than I'm used to, with Halloween and everything. Today, I woke up, and weighed in at 130.5. I'm super excited, because I've been trying to break 131, and I didn't think that would happen today. Then, I proceeded to eat M&Ms for breakfast. Luckily, I finished them all so they can stop haunting me.

I wish men all showed their emotions the same way. Today, I was looking through old photographs of when my first boyfriend, Terry, came to visit me. There's one of us on the grass, and the look on his face explains everything. I don't feel for him anymore, and I haven't in years, but I feel like I haven't ever seen Ray with that look on his face. Sometimes, I wonder who I made happier. I know who has made me happiest, and I'm still with him. I just wish I weren't questioning myself as to who I've made happier. It could just be because he can be difficult to read, and showcases his emotions in completely different ways. He is passionate at times, I'm not saying he isn't. Hell, I don't even know what I'm saying.

I've been sensing distance a lot lately between him and I. I've been getting upset lately at the lack of time management he has, and lack of priorities, and he knows it. It's no secret. And I try to tell him again and again that he needs to figure out what is more important to him. He leaves homework until the last minute, and rarely has his labs done on time. He gets upset when I have plans at night, but most of the time he has homework to do, so I'd just spend my night basically alone while he does it. I just wish I didn't feel bad or guilty when he complains about how he misses me and wishes I would come home, when I know he has plenty to do and me being there would be no help. I know I certainly don't deserve feeling like shit right now because he's doing badly, but wants to go out and do things with me and my friends when I'm out. I wish he were with me, and I miss him as well, but he has this opportunity to get an education and better his life, which I don't, and I want him to take full advantage of it. I'm jealous, and I wish I could just shake him and make him understand how lucky he is to be doing what he does, and that things like band practice and having friends over should not be the reasoning why he is missing homeworks or doing things last minute.

I know he just wants to have fun and feels like he's missing out, but fuck, I feel like I'm missing out on my dream future, but there's nothing for me to do about that. And that is far more important to me than nights out with my friends.

I feel like I'm going to be picking this dried flour out of my fingers and nails for weeks.