Death.

My goal for tomorrow is to go to work. If I don't, then I'm really not letting myself go up to Kristen's, because clearly something is seriously wrong. I feel out of it. Malaise, I think the word is? Just a general feeling of discomfort, feeling unwell and just sick. Nothing specific, I just feel bad and like there's something wrong with my body. I've had headaches, felt like I've had a fever, wanted to throw up, felt exhausted, and my throat started to hurt, all at one point this weekend. I don't know what it is, but I hate it. I just want to wake up and feel 100% better, like this was just some nasty, long virus. But I know I wont. I'll end up calling out, going to the doctors, and not be able to tell them whats wrong, because I don't really know.

I called out Friday night, went in Saturday for 5 out of the 8 hours I was supposed to be there, and called out again today. Everyone at work is worried, but really, I'm the worried one, because I'm too broke to get sick, but now I'm too sick so I'll get broke. I HATE having a small amount hours, I HATE missing work, I HATE not being able to do anything with myself.

And I really don't think I'm ready to drive all the way to Bangor, but I really want to be there for my best friend. After tomorrow, I'm off until Wednesday night for truck, and spending the entire time relaxing (and maybe doing a run of antibiotics) sounds amazing, but I don't want to let her down and be alone when I told her I'd have her back no matter what. That's shitty, and I don't want to do that to her.

I'm feeling very exhausted right now, and honestly, my body is scaring me. I ALMOST feel like I'm doing this to myself, because this month is a very important one to me, marking one year after an incident that still haunts me, and I find myself thinking about it more and more, and it just makes me feel so sick, but I can't shake it. But I don't believe I could mentally do THIS to myself.

I drank a bottle of water with some Vitamin C shit in it, I really hope it helps my body is this exhausting fight. I'm so uncomfortable, unhappy. Sad.

I feel like tonight is going to be a fight, just to see tomorrow. This is awful.