New beginnings

I'm living with my boyfriend now. It's nice, and it's deffinitely a big change. It will take some time to get used to, but it's not bad at all, it's cool.

I was not ready to move yesterday. I knew the day was coming when I would up and leave, but I didn't think so soon. I was a mental mess yesterday, and I packed what I assumed I would need to hold me over until atleast the weekend. I left my fish, a bunch of software I need for my devices, my bed, most of my clothes (that I don't wear), my shoes. The list goes on and on. I think on Monday, I'll go back home during the day before I have work, and grab some more things. I can't be there while my parents are, that would just be a mess.

I wonder if they understand that I've left with the intentions to not come back, or if they just think I'll be gone for a few nights to cool down or let them cool down. I bet they were kind of suprised this morning to find me not in my bed. I think the fact that I took the scale kind of suggests I'm moving out, so they probably got it when they went into the bathroom. I don't know. I don't really have a clue as to what is going on.

It's all just such a mess. I didn't really want to leave, because I have everything there, where I need it. I miss my dog, and I feel bad for leaving my sister. We're close, and I wish I had told her the truth when I left yesterday, but instead I told her I was going away for a little bit. I feel hurt when I think about all the things that are going to be left out of my life now, but it's not like I wont see everyone ever again.

As for my parents, I'm sure our relationship will not be even close to what it was. My Dad gave me the same ultimatum that his father had when he graduated, and when he left, they never spoke. I always wanted to grow up and have a healthy relationship with my family, but clearly that will not happen, no matter if I stay or if I go. I've been thinking a lot about all the things my father had said one night, about how I was the best thing that happened to him, and he was so proud of me. It hurts to know he doesn't feel that way now, I'm not Daddy's little girl. Maybe I'm just scared to grow up, to move on and let seperation occur.

I brought my babydoll with me. I felt bad leaving her alone. I still sleep with her everynight. I've had her since I was sick in the hospital. She came attatched to a balloon my Nana and Papa got for me. She's some kind of comfort for me. I don't know why I'm still so attatched to her, at eighteen.

I'm going to get ready and head to the store for some food and necessities. It looks like I forgot my deoderant, even though I could have sworn I packed it. And I need some lotion because I can't stand to not have any on.

I'm down to 131 lbs, my lightest yet. I fasted for 24 hours, not purposely, yesterday. It's nice being down that low. Maybe I can make 130. Hah, right.