I never meant to hurt you, I never meant to lie. So this is goodbye.

Today, I chewed so much gum it ruined my tastes buds. I had this massive craving for Funnyons, and when I went to the mall, I retrieved them and ate them, and they just tasted so...taste-less. I'm really bummed. I still have that craving.

Today, I got a decent amount done. I'm totally not use to taking real tests especially after missing half of what we learned, so I think I didn't do so well on the two quizes I had today, and even the test in chem. Fuck it, I just need to get extra help and pay attention and stay on the ball.


My writing sample was bullshit. It took me almost an hour and a half to write, and the question was 'what three qualities do you want in a leader?' Uh...there are a lot of qualities that I would look for in a leader, not just THREE. I said responsibility, intelligence, and a sufficient guide. Nerr. I hope I pass this one because I need it to graduate.

I'm hoping tomorrow is a snowday. I need to clean and sleep and organize myself and eat and re-charge after only two days. I can tell I'm still not well because I get tired so easily. One day at school results in three hours of sleep directly after. I didn't have time to sleep today after school, so I'm especially exhausted.

I did a little photo-shoot with myself tonight. I threw on a pair of my comfy boyshorts, a black lace cami, and fishnet thigh-highs, and tada! I feel like I've had some sort of breakthrough. I don't know why, and I know it's pretty impossible to see from anyone else's point, but I really got what I was looking for tonight, and that's rare. I'm so into photography right now, I just want to do it for hours, but I wish I were able to move out of this room and to other places, but winter is awful to me and I have a house full of people. Whatever, though, I'll have my chances.


I want my maturing to be evident in my photography. I want my photos to reflect my growth as a person, as well as an artist, and I want there to be a really drastic difference. I want to experiment with new things, but what? I'm so lost when it comes down to that question. How do I go outside my own boundaries when I'm holding myself back without even knowing it? How do I move forward with such a small mind that is so closed in?

I'm anxious for spring. Spring means green, and to me that means white. I'll finally be able to truely test out my infa-red filter and get good results. I'm so excited to teach myself how to master infa-red photography, because it simply fascinates me. It's popularity has certainly grown, but it is still something not seen often. I don't know anyone personally who practices infa-red photography, or even know what it is, but I do know a number of people who do photography.



I feel like things aren't fair tonight. I don't know why, I just think I'm being cynical after being by myself and bored all night. I wish my parents weren't so hard on my social life, so I could hang out with friends, too, instead of being the lame girlfriend who sits at home while her boyfriend flies through time with his buddy doing whatever they please and enjoying themselves. What am I doing? Wallowing in my own shit.

I should learn to appreciate "me" time more, but I will never be able to if its all I have. I need to be deprived of it before I can value it, like a lot of things. I need to re-learn values. Hah.

I've just felt pushed aside lately. Or right now, really. During the weekend, everything is amazing and we can't get enough of each other, but then the week comes and I soon forget we were ever like that because you're off busy with other things while my weekend clingy-ness hasn't rubbed off of me quite yet. I should expect so much out of you, I know. You're free to live your life and have your friends. I just wonder about my own life sometimes. What do I have left, really, when you're not all mine?