So give me miles and miles of mountains, and I'll ask for the sea.

I feel utterly sick. This is all too much for me to handle. I was thrown off the deep end tonight, and I wish I could make everything go away. I wish I could make everyone forget, or not know to begin with. I was beginning to do fine by myself. Everyday was another step further from it. Another step of coping and accepting and simply moving on.

What fucking sucks is the day when no one looks at you the same. When everyone either bares pity or hate for you, but neither are accepting. The day everyone has to stop making those jokes, because you're now the joke, and everyone becomes quiet when it's brought up. The day when you no longer have a choice of what to do, the day you're going to mentally lose it either way.

Now, everyday is a step backwards. A step closer to the pain and scars. A step closer to where you started.



Today was a beautiful day. I woke around 6:30 a.m. and got ready. Ray picked me up and I was able to shoot some nice photographs. We went to breakfast at the Cracker Barrel, then went to his house and slept until noon. Samantha called me, and we crafted together some plans to go get our nails done. We met up, and I got french tips. By the time we left, around 4 p.m., Ray, Samantha, and I decided to continue to hang out, and met up with Adam at Ray's. We shat around for a while, went on an adventure to find tubes or sleds, which failed, and instead found ourselves climbing up steep hills and wandering around empty houses on the top of the hill in Haverhill that I adore. It was dark, and creepy. After spending an hour there and running from cars and being sketchy, we met up with Ev and Tyler at Ray's. We hung around, laughed a lot, and then I went home.

Now, I'm here, feeling ill, with work at 8 tomorrow morning, which means another 6:30 morning for me. I only work two days this week, tomorrow [today, rather] and Monday until close. I'm so grateful for the lack of work, because I have a lot of time to focus on school, which is awfully important right now. It's also nice to have a chance to relax, and to have the majority of my weekend free to do anything.

Goodnight.