What I am.

I live a dirty lifestyle. I wonder who out there respects me for it. I obsess over meaty trucks whose exhaust pitch hits just that right decibel to makes my ear drums vibrate. I went out of my way to make sure the car I bought was a standard even though I had never learned to drive a manual in my life. And I've perfected it. I've fought so hard my entire life that I finally feel like my skin is thick. All these tragedies and back-breaking incidents have paid off. I don't feel weak anymore. I don't crave to be delicate, powerless, small. At one time, being that meant the world to me. I've always wanted to show how much pain I've endured in the small time frame of eighteen years, but I've learned don't let your scars show. Coming across as weak and broken does not bring comfort from the sympathy of others, the only comfort that I've really found is from myself.

I don't sleep around. I give myself that respect. I've only slept with one person, but that does not make me entirely modest. Honestly, not many would have seen me as the person to get my nipples pierced, or try out-of-the-norm things, but I had, and do. In a way, I strive for sexual attention. I want to be attractive in multiple ways; from my appearance to the courage and self confidence I carry. I don't want to be seen as boring.

I've chosen an alternative lifestyle from my hobbies to my appearance. Although most of my generation is pierced or tattooed, it still makes a huge impact on first impressions and being looked at seriously as a whole. Being an artist is still something that causes hunger and much striving even though it seems that's what everyone is. I'm ashamed that art has become a trend, but I'm not about to back away from something that feels so right to me. It just makes me strive to be better than those who don't feel the full-force starvation that us real artists do. I will take out what is empty in me and make it whole. I have learned to adjust and grow and feel okay when I have less productive days, or when I know I need to grow to be better. Art is constant movement, but it needs to be recognized first on a personal level before it can become a full movement.

I have an interest in sick things. I obsess over Ukraine and how privileged they are to have Chernobyl over there sitting dormant. I am in love with World War II history, and if I could, I would specialize in teaching it. I love seeing man-made disasters because it proves that nothing is perfect, anything made by human hands can malfunction. It can cause deaths, both instant and long. Suffering. I love to watch and learn how things go wrong. I dream about post-apocalyptic world and how I would manage to survive if I had made it that far. I love thinking about anarchy and the guns I would carry and the people I would make a colony with. The rides through town that could end your life that day, or you ending an others. I find peace in chaos, and I understand why that looks so bad to other people.

While others are absorbed in binge drinking and doing drugs, I'm having the time of my life sitting on top of a truck offroading, in the pouring rain. I enjoy driving everywhere, all night. I like dragracing. I love open conversations that run so deep. Or being behind a camera, capturing life. Or travelling to the millions of places I know or discover. There's so much more to me than just what can be seen. I have lies, secrets, stories.

What makes you think of me? I often wonder that.