Round here, we are all anemic.

I've a heavy mind tonight.

There's so much going on in my life right now. I feel less than accepted at my work by one of supervisors who at one time held my hand during a very hard time and gave me support to take further actions in a situation that needed serious attention. I feel as though a grudge is being held because of time I took off last weekend, or maybe because I complained about the ten hour days I was working during the store remodel. Whatever it is, my hours have been cut from 40 to 18 this week, and barely a word has come out of their mouth besides critism and blame for things that had nothing to do with me. I wish it would just stop so I could not dread work on days I'm working for them, and so I could stop feeling so awkward and unwanted during shifts.

Tuesday morning is my interview with the district manager for the beauty advisor position. I'm nervous, but I got my yearly review on Friday and it was all good news. Apparently, I'm an important asset, and a role model, to my work. My manager has only known me a few weeks, but he told me he can see a lot in my future and deffinitely wants to teach me new things once my training is done for the BA position so I can work in both departments. I got the full 4% raise, which is not much, but if I do get the BA position, my raise will be built up further. I'm just really excited to have new challenges besides trying to keep up scan rates and no sales at the register. I want to be more than a cashier, although I know I'm important in that department as well. With being a beauty advisor, my main goal is to be creative and find interesting ways to get sales up in the beauty department. There are contests put on monthly by the beauty district, and if our department surpasses the goals or contests, it means we are rewarded and I've done a good job, and that's what I want to do. Plus, there are bonuses and comission included as well. Finally, something new and interesting.

I've decided to welcome people back into my life. For a while, I wanted to burn all bridges I once has regarding my old friends. I wanted to never have anything to do with them or ever be in contact with them because things have obviously changed, and we'll never be the same again, no matter how hard we try. But, that's just the thing; we'll never be the same. That doesn't mean give up all hope and toss away all the old memories. It just means its time to accept and move forward, be civil, and maybe catch up and be in each other's lives again. Not to say this will deffinitely happen, but I was caught by suprise tonight when my old best friend asked me what I've been up to, and how I've been. Instead of ignoring the questions, I answered, and asked back. Maybe things wont be so bad afterall, and not so awkward. I don't expect us to ever be what we were before, but it doesn't mean I've forgotten or thrown away all the times you helped me and stood up for me and gave me backing when things were hard. I will never forget the times you tried to help me hide my mistakes because you understood how important certain parts of my life were, and you didn't want them to be broken from me just as much as I did. I still appreciate that all, and I still hold that same level of respect for you as I did then. I wish I could have done the same for you, but you were always smarter than I. I hope in the future, we can sit down for a lunch or maybe just sit in a park somewhere and completely catch up, because I have so many miles that I've lived to share with you over the past year, and I know things with you aren't the same either. I'm interested, and I care, even if over the last year it hasn't seemed that way. But, who knows, we'll see where this goes, if it even goes anywhere.

I want to welcome more people in my life. I've two best friends right now, one I met where I work, and I never thought I'd value our friendship like I do. I still remember how we hated each other immensly when I was new there. It's funny to talk and share our stories of shit talking each other while we're working together. I'm so glad to have a friend like you that is there always and who always works with me and helps make my shifts fun and full of food. Haha.

I've another best friend who immerged from a massive mistake. Because of my stupidity and selfishness, I lost my best friend, and although it was a shattering experience from every direction, a person I love and value more arouse from it, and I'm so glad. I've got this bitch who I can be completely idiotic with and trust with my life, and I'm so happy to always see our relationship growing even more through crazy obsessions and phases. I get such great support from you and so many laughs.

I want other people to immerge from the woodwork as well. I want people who I've hit it off with so well to just pop out of nowhere and start a good conversation. I want to be reminded of all these people I some how found out of nowhere, and I want greater things to come of it besides just common interests and similar friends. I want people to spend time with on random days, and I want to do more things and be more places. I love sharing my life with others on different levels, and I wish people wouldn't just fall off the face of the planet after highschool ended or after I moved away.

I've changed so much since I've moved here. It's as though I was ripped from the comfort of my childhood town where I never really grew up or wanted to grow up, to this new cold place. I feel like I found a girl inside myself I always secretly wanted to be within the towering pine trees and dark back roads. I found art here, in this town. I found my drive and my aspiration. I found all my true flaws and weaknesses. I found how to hide my scars and focus pain on other obsessions. The isolation of unfarmiliar territory and unkind faces made me seek deep isolation within myself, and that's where I found inspiration. That's where I learned how to live and love fully, and how to suffer and claw hard; deep. This town, this state, is so much more than where I learned to vanish. It's where I surrendered, then taught myself how to fight. Loneliness is bleak, and not as shallow as it appears to the untrained eye. It bends and shapes you as a person. It puts holes in your heart and buries you alive. I've survived, and I feel as though its a miracle I'm still intact, and I still have a person who has grounded me this entire time, even when I fought so hard to fly and be free just for the hell of it, before I even understood my own responsibilites.

There's so much more to this story than just heartbreak and reconstruction. If you want to know, simply ask me. I want to scream it so loud, but I want someone who cares to listen first.