A good cause.

Today, I saw this commercial on TV while watching some Tyra Banks. I immediately got onto youtube once I got home from work and started watching all the different short films Dove has put together based around the growing problem with young girls growing up with nothing but the media before them, telling them the perfect weight, or perfect look that no one could ever achieve.

I think it's really great that Dove has finally decided to confront this problem, because I know, personally, that if I had a foundation that I could look to and be a part of, I would not have half the problems I do now with myself. I do not want other girls to grow up with each morning beginning with a weigh-in. I don't want to see my own sister counting calories and restricting the way I have. I don't want to hear her vomiting after dinner, and I don't want to see the pounds melt off from her bones. I do not want to watch her slowly kill herself.

Living by numbers makes me feel really trapped. I am not here saying that I am eating disordered, but I am in fact disordered, only in my own unique way. Over the past few months, I've become weak, and my way of control is through foods and exercise. I find bones beautiful, but not in the sense that the fashion industry flaunts weightless models in clothes that look perfect on them, but never good on me. It isn't that. Maybe it's the connection I've found between physical starvation and mental starvation- both collide in my world. To me, art is a dark place, full of suffer. Through suffer comes inspiration, and with inspiration, you can create great art. When I am at a low, I will starve. Not severely, not for days, but I'll turn away from food and turn my hunger into mental hunger, causing me to thrive to fill myself though emotions and feelings which I can spill into any photograph or any white lined paper. I'll note my weight loss as something to be proud of- the suffering of an artist at a low time, and surviving each gruesome moment of it.

I am not anorexic. My BMI has lingered in the same area with my weight, fluctuating slightly with this short obsession of mine. I am not unhealthy.

I was really touched by this group, though. I'm glad it's by Dove, too, because they have good quality products, so now I can be happy for both my skin and the foundation my money is going to.


I've dyed my hair today. It's dark brown, but very close to black. I like it a lot, and all the regulars at work has noticed and have given me good comments about it. I'm excited for this change, and I'm still debating on whether I should cut a lot off or leave it long. I'm not sure. I do feel rather new, though, and I like it.

Tomorrow, I have plans with Monica to go around this area of New Hampshire for some nice photos. I'm really excited to actually do this with her. We are both very different artists, and I feel very comfortable with her and sparking ideas if I come up with any. I'm excited to see what kind of things we'll come out with, especially if we put together our different ideas. It will be so fun, but very hot and uncomfortable. That's the only downfall.

I want art to be everything to me, again. I want to fall back into that spiral of inspiration, and I want to turn out all kinds of different pieces. Come on, inspiration.