I want isolation.

My life feels empty right now, and I'm not sure why. I've begun reading again. I love the way I feel as though I've disappeared for hours into another land when I read. I don't notice anything, like how unbearably warm it go in here while I sat underneath covers, or the small rumbles my stomach began to make.

I think I'm gone next week. I'll be leaving. Apparently, someone is watching the house for my Dad during the day. Hearing that from my younger sister completely pushed me over the edge, and also made me realize I need to do something for her sake. I feel so guilty, leaving her behind, making her the only object of control. I don't want it all pushed on her, but I also think me leaving will give them a wake up call. I don't want her teenage years so strangled like my own. I want her to have the freedom I always dreamed of; the necessary room needed to live and learn. She's really matured, I've noticed. Thirteen in September. I've promised her plenty of visits once I leave. I know I'll be disowned, but I'll make an effort to pick her up on my days off to go to a movie or treat her to lunch with whatever money I have. Even taking her to Searles Castle, or any of my favorite areas. I want her to feel close to me, and to know she has a place to go when she's having difficulty with growing into a young adult. I went through it, and I wish I had an older sibling to hold my hand instead of isolating myself, because it really makes a difference when you're an adult.

It's really showing right now. I want isolation.

Moving will really put me through some emotions, I can already tell. I don't want to rid myself of my parents, I just want escape. I don't want them out of my life for good, I don't want them to hate me and not want me anymore. Honestly, I want my parents to want me, but I feel so unwelcome here. It's been four days since I got my piercings and they haven't even noticed yet because they wont look at me, or even bother with me. They pick fights with me between walls, letting their voices travel through open doorways or cracks in the windows. They wont go near me, or recognize me as their daughter, unless it's with someone else. They told Laura they don't want me to move out, and in response, my sister asked 'Then why do you charge her to live here?' and they tried to reason that the amount of food I eat and showers I take amount up to $30 a week, easily. I know, for a fact, that I don't eat even $2 worth of food here, because I never eat before 5 or 6. I take 20 minute showers. I don't know if it really adds up or not, but I think that it's just totally unreasonable. I'll live for free at Ray's, helping out by keeping up the house on days where I've nothing to do, and buying my own food. I'll contribute in any way possible, and I'll have freedom.

I can already see how my life is going to be. I'll go on cleaning rampages, inspirational kicks, and I'll sleep on my queen sized mattress which will be on the floor for a while. I'll pick up painting and sit with a canvas outside in the dirt driveway, listening to anything that will feed me inspiration. I'll begin writing my story, spending days in front of the computer with Word open while I'm alone and thoughtful. I'll read for hours, books in piles next to my mattress, and I'll be found fast asleep mid afternoon with a book on my chest. I'll work constantly, putting my money towards a small 5 speed car, and art tools.

And I wont have a family anymore.