Desire or Deceit

Retired.

2010-01-06T02:18:00.001-05:00

I've decided to retire this blog, I feel as though it does not represent who I am as a person now, especially after such a significant transition.

you can find me here now; http://sharinglungs.wordpress.com/

And all in all I guess it's for the better if you don't remember anything.

2009-11-16T02:19:00.003-05:00

Just for the record, I'm lost.

If someone could sit me down and take all my thoughts and feelings out of my skull and organized them on the table for me, that would be great. Maybe then I'd know how I really feel and what I really think and how I should really act.

And I want to give up, honestly. I feel as though I shouldn't be fighting tooth & nail with myself to conquer my fears until I'm given a solid reason to. I'm not getting any reasons. I KNOW I'M NOT WRONG FOR FEELING THIS WAY. If I feel like this, there is no way it's wrong, there is no way it's making me a bad person.

Ugh I just don't want to be the fucking insecure, non-trusting, difficult project in anyone's life. I don't want to have to 'fix' myself.

empty;

2009-10-21T23:58:00.000-04:00

"I think there will always be nights when I wish I was clean and pure inside, light and airy when I walked, empty, empty, empty, and free."

Fragile.

2009-09-28T00:11:00.002-04:00

I'm beginning to hurt myself with all this nonsense. I don't understand what happened or even where my mind is. I'm having second thoughts.

Someone, tell me what exactly I deserve. Because it's all looking so fuzzy to me.

I wish I knew why I am so fragile right now.

Don't leave me.

2009-08-26T00:08:00.001-04:00

I'm too emotionally fucked to see anything right now.

I'm scared to death of being left.

What am I to you?

2009-08-22T13:06:00.002-04:00

I'm losing my best friend, again. This is the second time, now, and after the first time, I told myself I'd never let it happen again if we ever got back in touch. Well we did, and now look - I can't do a thing about it. I might never see him again, if something happens that we all hope doesn't. He's going to leave me. He is my backbone, my partner in crime, the only person in this world who knows my deepest, darkest secrets.

If what we hope doesn't happen, does, I might disappear. I told him numerous times I'd run away with him, if that's what it comes down to. I don't want him to feel alone. And he's honestly the only person I trust.

Tonight is the last night I'm hanging out with him, hopefully for only three months, not forever.

I've been trying to find words to explain how I feel, but I can't. I feel so let down. With everyone. No one can even find time to include me in on plans I'm part of because, I mean, who really cares what I have to say about anything or what I might have to do later.

I don't know. I guess we'll see what happens.

All the others before me can't doubt.

2009-08-17T00:08:00.003-04:00

Watch me as I run full speed with my dreams. This is my break, this is it. This is everything I could ever wish for. This is my key to success and happiness.

Someday, I will be everything I could ever wish for. And I'll continue to be the best I can be to so many people. This is what I strive for. I want to be everything I can. I will be someone's best fucking friend. I will love someone unconditionally and be their everything. I will make someone happy. And I'm sure I'll be the worst enemy to someone, as well.

It's my drive and motivation and openness I want to be looked up to for. The way I stand my ground and charge forward for the things in life I want. My strength. The fight I put up just to get where I am now, and where I'll end up later.

There is one thing I can promise you, and it's this;

from this day forward, I will never let you down or disappoint you.

The Great Below.

2009-08-16T00:42:00.001-04:00

Someday, I hope I learn to keep everything under control.

I hope that someday is soon. I can't continue to live like this, everything will just keep losing it's meaning.

Fuck. What an emotional night.

Gasping for air.

2009-08-10T22:48:00.002-04:00

It's funny how about a year ago, everything fell apart, almost like this. I ended up moving out for six months and tried to rebuild my life.
Well, here I am again, struggling so bad to just keep my head above water.
Maybe, someday, all this will be better and everything will clear up.
I've lost touch with my optimistic side.

And the worst part is, this isn't my fault.

Goodbye Childhood.

2009-08-04T01:16:00.002-04:00

Until this moment, I never understood how hard it was to lose something you never had.

Years ago, I was swallowed alive by something that has taught me nothing but to focus on self control. Looking back, I can't think of a time when I didn't care. That's so unheard of to me, my mind can not grasp it.

I'm always growing, I'm always changing, I'm always learning. But I feel like I never really was a child.

I've been lifting myself out of my own mind for weeks, now. I'm learning so much.

Running Again.

2009-07-31T20:43:00.002-04:00

I don't really know how to explain my life right now. One half of me is flying and so happy, and the other is in absolute panic.

My time is almost over with living here. It's so hard to go from living on your own where no one cared where you were each night and couldn't tell you what to do with your money to having to answer to someone about your every moves. I'm prepared to run again. A part of me likes it, finding a new place to live and starting fresh, and I want to be on my own so bad. I miss that freedom.

I've pushed my body to the absolute limit over the past few days, and I'm not about to stop either. 4 hours of sleep in three days. I've got a weekend full of work and fun. I'm seeing Tool Sunday night. I am so fucking excited. I'm pretty positive I'm taking years off my life.

Human after all.

2009-07-26T04:08:00.002-04:00

I've found new motivation to change my habits. I've decided to quit smoking August 24th (the day Jimmy leaves for boot camp and has to quit as well) and I'm also trying out recovery (self) over a problem that I have been dealing with for longer than I can remember. I've come to the realization that no one wants me to see the way I want to see myself, physically, and I also do not want this 'disorder' to destroy more relationships. I want to be able to accept myself for who I am, no matter what numbers read out each morning. I'm sick of letting such a small thing rule my life. Each day, it's like my mood relies on these numbers, and it shouldn't be that way.

We'll see. I'm happy. I'm careless.

Oh, and this is definitely who I am, and I'm sick of hearing that it's not from people who no longer know me or associate with me. Everyone changes. For four years I was a person that someone else made me out to be, living a life full of restriction. And now I'm free, and finally finding myself after so long, and I have all these great things ahead of me. Everything in my life has so much potential right now to turn into something great. And I'm really grateful to have that right now. I don't think I ever did before.

By the end I want everyone dead.

2009-07-24T00:35:00.002-04:00

I said run.
And you won't be able to see me because you'll be bleeding from the eyes.
The thought of your genitals makes me sick and I bet you could fit five cocks up that ass.
Why don't you just strap a mattress to your back?
These are the last days of the rest of your life.
Next time I want a better excuse - dropped like a bad habit.
I wash my hands of you all.
My slate is clean.
And I'll be smiling all the way to the bank.
Face down, ass up; I want to destroy something beautiful.
By the end I want everyone dead.
By the end I'm going to be the only one standing.
Not even your children are safe.

This is how I feel. Thank you, The Acacia Strain.

All Done.

2009-07-22T00:44:00.002-04:00

One day I know when I see you;
Far from these days that beat us,
Far from my habits perfect prison.

I'm sick of ignorance and arrogance. I feel like it follows me everywhere. I'm sick of trust, and the act of building it. My patience is wearing far too thin with each friendship that gets ruined because I've let myself get fucked over. I'm sick of being vulnerable, and I'm sick of realizing all the ways you manipulated me and wore me down.

Fuck all you people.

I'm strong, I'm smart, and I am certainly powerful. I've got the whole fucking world in my hands right now and I'm not about to put it down and give up because I've got some immature dramatic bullshit trying to tie a noose around my neck.

Trust me only as much as I can trust you.

Bye!

2009-07-20T07:59:00.002-04:00

I'm about to leave for the Cape, which I have mixed feelings about, but I know it will all work out in the end. I'm bringing my camera, and I plan to take pictures of everything. I've been depressed lately, about how my life is, and I feel like I could use this escape, even if it's only for a day. My Dad and I sat and talked the other night, and it really put a lot of things into perspective, but these things are also really, really depressing. There's a lot that is going to start happening, very soon. I wish they wouldn't, but I guess in the end it will be for the best and hopefully everyone who isn't happy now, will be then. Ughhh I guess we will see.
And I plan on doing a lot of trips this summer, even though its halfway over. I'm going to Bangor next month, and following that, I'll be swinging up to Moosehead Lake for a few days with my Dad and his canoe.
I'm seeing the world, finally. I miss traveling.

Where were you when we were getting high?

2009-07-16T01:57:00.002-04:00

I'm really elated about life right now. Everything is perfect. I could not be happier.

Today, Jimmy and I drove around at dusk looking for some graffiti with my camera, guns, and gas masks. I swear, half the amazing shit I do in life involves him, because he is probably the only other fucked up person on this planet like me. And I'm really glad about that. He's my best friend, and just having him in my life alone has made everything I went through worth it. He leaves this August, and I honestly don't know what I'm going to do without him. Next summer, I'm moving out to his apartment for a little while if he ends up in California. To see the world. I am so excited.

I'm also so happy about having a dope boyfriend :). He's amazing and makes me smile constantly, and drives me wild. I hope he sticks around for a while.

I've come to realize I'm an extremely fucked up person, especially when it comes to people fucking me over and the information I hold. Don't fuck me over. Honestly, you'll regret it for the rest of my life. I don't ask for much; no lying, be loyal, don't do anything that will hurt me. It's not hard to be straight with me, and tell me the truth, and make me aware of things that are going on. I respect anyone who can tell it to me as it is.

Speaking through photographs.

2009-07-14T14:32:00.005-04:00

i always take the time to look at your new pictures b/c they're always fascinating. i was wondering, how much has that camera impacted your life? from what i can see, it defines a large part if you. i know we're not close or even talk lol but you pictures say so much about you that i cant imagine you with out you photography

I got this message today on facebook from a girl I used to be friends with in middle school, before I had a d-SLR or any camera, for that matter.

So I sat down, and really thought hard about how much my camera has impacted my life. And because pretty floored the more I thought.

Photography has been with me for about seven or eight years now. For my eleventh birthday, I got my first digital camera from my parents (Kodak Easyshare) and began to photograph everything is sight. Somewhere on this computer, I still have all the random shots that never amounted to anything. Then, for my fifteenth birthday, my parents took me to pick out a better camera, and I got a Nikon Coolpix point & shoot. Though, at this point, I had already begun looking at bigger, better cameras. But I was told if I wanted a d-SLR, I would have to buy it myself, with my own money.

So, for about two years, I started experimenting more with my little point & shoot. Learning ISO and timers and micro photography. But even using the custom settings, it wasn't enough for me, it was all too controlled.

The Christmas of 2006 was when I bought my Canon Rebel XTi. And it was probably the most expensive piece of confusion I had ever bought. But it didn't take long before I started to understand everything. I felt so free.

Then, in the summer of 2008, my Canon Rebel XTi stopped working. And I felt absolutely heart broken. Luckily, it was replaced shortly after with my Canon Rebel XSi.

Sometimes, when I'm bored or thoughtful, I'll go through folder after folder after folder of my photos in order, starting back in 2005, up to now. It's so interesting to watch myself grow in each photograph I pass. I'm so glad I keep everything, and I never delete anything. So its like I have my life, documented.

My camera has impacted my life greatly. And everyday, I appreciate it more than the last. Especially now, with everything I've gone through these past few months. I've created some beautiful art that is so meaningful to me. Photography is my only means of self expression, really. No matter how much I write, or speak, my photographs always say a thousand more things. I live through my viewfinder constantly, and that is truly art.

And I want to touch the world with my images.

Happiness and new projects.

2009-07-08T00:20:00.003-04:00

I am so happy, at this point in my life. I'm surrounded by the most amazing people possible, and I've met this amazing guy who makes me ridiculously happy, and I've never taken more random photographs. Did I picture this as my life four months ago? No, never in a million fucking years.
I'm going to begin putting myself out there more. I've got a deal with a few friends to do a photoshoot for their band, and it's really gotten me excited. I'm getting myself on my feet now, and more established with the whole photography deal. I'm also going to taken on modeling, too, since I've gained a little experience just with random occurrences over the past few months, and I also feel I'm finally at the perfect weight I've been trying to achieve. I'm going to start tonight by just adding it on my facebook and myspace. Then I'll bring back my model mayhem account, and eventually it will lead to Craigslist. I'm also definitely putting money in for my own website when I can afford it because I feel like it's time. Finally.

It's the prime time of your life, now, live.

2009-07-06T00:27:00.002-04:00

Life certainly has been interesting, but it's going good for me, I'm happy.
I've decided I'm fully moved on and ready to date, really its been decided for a while now. My mind feels so clear now, I'm so content. I have a boyfriend, and I'm excited to see where everything goes from here. :)

Someone said something absolutely shocking to me today. I'm angry about it, actually. This person had the nerve, now that attention is needed on them, to pull out the super sympathy card and tell me they 'loved me'. It's absolute fucking bullshit. There's nothing I hate more than that word thrown around like that, and it involving me, of all people. It's so fucking ridiculous and mind blowing to me, because I just can't comprehend it. It takes months, years, to just begin to feel love for someone, and that's just the beginning, because love develops with a relationship, and the more you put into it, the more you get out of it. The more love you have.

You didn't fucking love me, and you barely fucking know me based off of what you've been saying to me. Yeah, you really had me figured out, huh?

I've never felt more like an artist than right now, at this point in my life. And the wonderful part is that art grows with you, and a month from now, I'll be saying the same thing. But with art, there is always room for improvement. You'll always feel you're getting better, but you'll never be fully satisfied.

I want to photograph the world.

This is the life of the disordered.

2009-06-26T09:40:00.004-04:00

Yesterday, I finally decided to clean out the trunk of my car. Useless shit like clothes and shoes have been sitting back there since I moved three months ago. While digging through the piles of shit, I found a bag that I had stuffed all my journals into the night everything was done. I packed them first, before anything else in those two rooms I lived in.
I have two semi-current journals. One is where I write stories, dreams, poems, random secrets. The other is a more typical journal, about my days as they come and such. I haven't written in either of them since May of 2008. Before I ran, before any of the life changing events that happened in the span of six months.
Reading through these opened my eyes to so many things I was too blind to see before. There were so many clicks made in my head. Everything fell together perfectly, it seems. Reading those journals, how could I even question the fact of where I am now. Reading, now, I saw it all coming in just tiny words here and there on a blank page.

Here is one excerpt from my story/memoir journal;

I'm suffering from an incurable illness, a disease that stays dormant in our mind and body until one day it is activated, given the correct dosage of what it feeds from. I do not have cancer, what I have is something no doctor could find in medical encyclopedia nor diagnose with any test.

My suffering comes from an indecisive mind, and small hands that can't hold such big dreams.

My symptoms, which are now just part of my life, are shattering each dream like a plate of glass to my knees, leaving scars to just be scarred over again the next day. There is almost always blood on my hands, but it is always just my own.

It's so crazy how vividly I remember my emotions at that time by just reading it over. I feel like my future is going to go the way I think it is, too. At least the near future.

I spend so much time trying to look out for myself and keep myself protected, but all the while digging myself into my own grave. I know I am going to end up getting myself hurt if I keep chasing any further. I could have everything right now. There is a boy who I know would give me the world if he could. But I can't do it. My mind is focused elsewhere, on something more challenging. If I could read people, everything would be far easier, but I don't know what to make of anything right now.

Life is amazing right now. I've been in the best mind set and photos are flowing constantly.

Stuck.

2009-06-09T19:32:00.002-04:00

I am so unbelievably stuck. I'm so angry, and just so fucking over it all. And confused. Can't forget that. I am SO confused. :(

I'm hoping someday, I could be something you would like to have. I would love to be yours in a second.

Why am I like this? I have people who would be willing to hold my hand and be with me, but I don't want them. I want the one person I know I probably could never have.

Krissy, you'll never learn.

Exposure.

2009-05-20T20:21:00.002-04:00

Things have been absolutely amazing lately. Everything is finally looking up money-wise, though I do have to struggle awfully this weekend to make my payments. My hours have improve to 40 hours this upcoming week, which will help me get caught up a lot. I've been hanging out with some real amazing people, and also realizing who my real friends are. I'm easing my way back in to the whole dating thing very slowly, but it is happening, and it's nice. I've been running off pure inspiration for days now, and finally begun a photo series today called 'My Confessions'. It's a very intimate photo project for me because its really all my thoughts about people, myself, life in general right in the open for all the world to see. I am taking photographs that say things to people I can't say out loud, and though it is scary to know they see it, and know its about them, it's relieving as well. I did my first run today, but there are still plenty more people I need to get my message across to, and I'm always thinking of more I could say, so hopefully over the next few weeks this turns into a massive success. I'm not hiding anymore. Who do I have to hide from, anyways?

To view more of the pictures from 'My Confessions', visit my deviantart.

Still alive, kicking and screaming.

2009-05-07T14:18:00.002-04:00

I woke up today and said fuck it, I do not need you and I certainly do not need to impress you. These past two weeks have been hard but it will only get better from here. I'm moving on with my life, in a positive way, despite your 'proper' judgement. I'm happy. I've had some amazing times these past few weeks and it has really opened my eyes. I'm growing and becoming an amazing person due to these experiences, and I feel so welcome in this new world. Disregard what you see, because I am nothing close to what you think I am, and you have no right to judge me and tell me where I am heading because you do not know me anymore, and I can only go up from here, and I am.

May Day Parade.

2009-05-04T01:11:00.002-04:00

Hello May.

I am sitting here in an absolute fog. Where has my life taken me now? I'm heartbroken, alone, living. I don't know how I feel about anything because my opinion changes every minute.

I miss you. I'm sure you know. I'm sure you probably hate it more than I do. You don't want me to miss you. You're probably so over this and everything there is that has to do with me.

Four years. Of what? Of us. Us us us. We changed. But we lived inside each other's lives. Now we live seperately. We don't talk. This is teenage heartbreak. I know. I will grow and live and learn and wake up someday and not think of you. I know.

But that day seems so far away, and everytime I wake up I feel like I've taken a step backwards, not forward.

I've been living, having fun, enjoying my life and the freedom I've found. It probably looks so badly, in your eyes. What I'm doing now. You've upgraded and I've downgraded. I don't see it that way though. But I'm positive you do.

I am not a bad person. I know this. But I also know how easy it is to judge, for you especially. And you're the last person in the world I should care to impress right now. But I want to. I don't want you to see me and feel as though you got waste out of your life. I am going places, and so are you, and we can thank each other for that. You were the best thing that ever happened to me. And this will be, too, someday.

Shattered.

2009-04-25T13:08:00.002-04:00

I'm running, again. It's only been a few months, and I've ended up here again. I'm alone, and I'm really not scared to be who I am now.

...

2009-04-09T22:54:00.000-04:00

I'm a mess, I guess.

/myxomatosis.

2009-04-06T01:47:00.001-04:00

I don't know why I feel so tongue-tied
Don't know why
I feel
So skinned alive.
My thoughts are misguided and a little naive
I twitch and I salivate like with myxomatosis
You should put me in a home or you should put me down
I got myxomatosis

Life.is.ridiculous

2009-03-18T21:36:00.000-04:00

I can not even grasp my life, as of lately.
oh& I've a tumblr. :http://sharinglungs.tumblr.com/

We Are Human After All.

2009-03-07T12:30:00.003-05:00

I came home last night after an amazing night out to find our room absolutely clean and that cute note on my keyboard. I feel so lucky. I have an amazing boyfriend.

Ohh heyy, I'm finally taking photos again. And I got a subscription on deviantart again :)

When I grow up...

2009-03-03T11:52:00.001-05:00

Heyyy, I'm Krissy.
And I'm going to be a Power Reactor Health Physicist.

Military

2009-02-25T22:43:00.002-05:00

I don't want to seem ignorant saying/asking this, but I really want to know why...

Why do people in the military (especially marines) rush themselves into marriages and children? There are girls younger than me talking about marriage and posting their pregnant bellies and wedding pictures all over myspace with men they've only been with 6 months to a year, and are being sent out this summer. It almost makes me sad because these poor young girls honestly don't know what they're getting themselves into despite how much they think they do. You're going to be a single parent for the first half of your baby's life while your husband is fighting for our country, and it will be hard. You'll stay up nights hoping your husband just comes home.

I don't know, I just can't see this being the life I'd like to live. I wouldn't settle down until I knew my husband would be with me. Sure, I'd be proud to be with someone fighting for my freedom or whatever, but I almost feel like they're just trying to rush things as fast as they can incase they die, which is an awful way to look at things, though it is the awful reality.

I think I just answered my own question.

Adventures.

2009-02-24T21:16:00.001-05:00

My life has been crazy and tiring and busy and all that shit.

I went up to my best friend's apartment in Bangor, Maine, over the weekend. It was amazing. I love us.

What to do next, what to do next...

Peace?

2009-02-10T18:38:00.002-05:00

I don't believe in peace. Whats the point in fighting for something that is about NOT fighting.

I think people are stupid. I'm not the ignorant one, it's you.

heyyyy weekend.

2009-02-07T08:59:00.002-05:00

Ahhhh i'm so sick for my first weekend off. I've a blown headgasket in my car. I'm really bummed.

But, Ray's grill finally came in the mail, so that's what we're doing today, after I go to breakfast with my Dad and get my nails done with my mom.

Oh, and i have this awful tendency to match things to my car? I have red sunglasses that I only wear while driving it, and a cute mug with red polkadots that sits between my legs while I drive and spills and burns me because I don't have functioning cup holders. of course.

My life with CVS

2009-02-02T06:13:00.002-05:00

Urg I'm really not digging this. Barely sleeping, to wake at 5:30 am. I'm doing a beauty department reset in the Newington Mall, near Portsmouth, for the next three days. Then another store. This will continue for three weeks, minus the weekends, which is amazing. As much as I'm really dreading all this work and the ten hour days and the driving, I'm really glad my district manager asked me to be on this team of four. This could really open some doors in my future, if I ever wanted to stay with CVS and make bank moving around stores.

Diva is a female version of a hustla

2009-01-27T23:57:00.003-05:00

I got my car today and all I want to do is drive. I've already gotten pulled over, but only for a tail light being out, which I don't have to pay to fix.

Hellooooo oil change this weekend, being broke the rest of my life, and working to pay this off forever.

BEER.

2009-01-24T06:12:00.002-05:00

if i get drunk well, i'll pass out
on the floor now baby
you won't bother me no more
if you're drinkin' well, you know
that you're my friend and i say
i think i'll have myself a beer.

I'm sitting in the dark right now, like a fucking creeper, so excited about life at quarter past six in the morning.

NEW CAR TODAY. 99 Getta. I'm driving shitbox there, and I really hope it lives the entire drive. I'm extremely nervous.

Then, Reel Big Fish and Streetlight Manifesto. Are you fucking kidding me? My life is about to be amazing.

Eat Shit.

2009-01-19T21:06:00.001-05:00

Never, in a million fucking years, would I ever want to claim your 'art' as my own. How fucking arrogant of you to even assume anyone would.

Death Cab For Cutie Inspiration.

2009-01-18T22:00:00.001-05:00

SKANK

2009-01-16T13:46:00.001-05:00

That will be me in a week and a day.

I've been awake for an hour. I slept twelve hours last night. It makes me want to die. Same thing with how cold it is. It, too, makes me want to die.

Find me.

2009-01-14T06:21:00.002-05:00

I don't sleep past 2 am anymore, and if I do, it's because I've gone to bed at 4 am or later. I'm an insomniac, and I'm getting worse.
And all I want to do is read when I can't sleep. I just finished Slaughter-House Five. It was amazing. Now I'm about to read Lullaby by C. Palahniuk. My lover.
And it's so sad because I'm starving and lonely, and I'm living off books and tea. Everything is shrinking while my brain and inspiration pot are growing.

Good morning.

Lifeeee.

2009-01-13T14:45:00.004-05:00

Life has been grand:

1. Snowstorms and walks at 2 am with Ray.

2. Hooka smoking with friends in Worcester on a Sunday night.

3. And my VERY NEAR FUTURE TATTOO: here

No sleep.

2009-01-07T05:50:00.002-05:00

I'm an insomniac. I'm not even going to lie. I don't know why I'm getting like this but FUCK it's so fucking annoying not being able to sleep, but feeling so exhausted and ready for sleep. I've slept an hour overall tonight. And that happened somewhere between 11 and 3. Besides that, I just toss and turn. All night.

I'm doing well with my New Years resolutions. I've lost a total of three pounds, putting my weight at 129 (as of yesterday, I could be a bit less or maybe even more today because I binged a bit). I'm really just hoping to find a decent place in the 120's to sit, but I want it to be low, and ultimately 120 flat. That would make my weightloss at 30 lbs. And I wouldn't be legally 'underweight' unless I lost another two pounds, because my BMI hits 18 at 118.

Ray and I talked about Valentines' Day, and started talking about engagement. It's not happening this year, but he says he will probably propose to me before I turn 20. That would be five years of being together. That's so long. I'm not in a rush to get married, but I think five years is the perfect place to start thinking about it, atleast, and making it a definite thing. Any longer than that with no ring, and I'd probably start worrying about us having different ideas than each other and different expectations, and I always want to be on the same page with him on everything, so that would be a problem.

I've been noticing how free I am lately, within my relationship. People have always been like 'What the fuck, you quit smoking for him? Would he seriously break up with you over THAT?' and yes, that is mostly true, but it's also about the fact that it's really not me, and someone who knows me the most, knows that. He also wants the best for me, and I appreciate that. Whether or not he'd break up with me if I took another puff, I'm not so sure, with how stable we are. I'm not really sure if our relationship would be worth ruining over a cigarette. But I don't care, either. Because I'm doing this for both of us. Not just him alone.

But when not thinking about that deeply, and having people say that, it does give me a feeling of being restricted. \

Lately, though, I've been around a few different friends who know about some piercings I have (nipples seem to be the most common) and want the same done. Of course, with something like getting your private parts pierced, you need to discuss it with your significant other. And everyone has a fucking problem with it. 'It wouldn't turn me on' 'You know I'm not into piercings'. I feel bad, because honestly, in the end, its not for their boyfriends, but for themselves. And I'd go ahead and get it anyways if I were them and wanted it bad enough. Same thing with tattoos. Ray is so supportive of me choosing an alternative lifestyle and speaking freely using my body. We both know that people aren't always going to find my tattoos and piercings cool, and that I'm going to end up limiting myself business wise depending on what I get done, but I also know that the job I have does not require a suit, or a cubicle, or anything that would not allow me to express myself. It's just a choice I make, you know? But I'm really glad I have someone who likes the same things I do, and will not be turned off by my body while I feel as though I'm making myself look better. It's nice.

My 'Complete Book of Ethnic Jokes' came in the mail yesterday. It's so old, the publish date is 1981. Because it's so old, it doesn't feed my sick sense of racist humor, so I'm not on the hunt for something common to this, but newer. I like the short 'what do you call a...' jokes. They're the best, in my opinion.

Bring on the old times.

2009-01-05T10:55:00.002-05:00

I feel like tonight is going to be ridiculous.

Ashley Brooke, Heather, and Susan. Yessss.

2009.

2009-01-02T18:59:00.003-05:00

I feel like I can't even judge how this year has been so far. For most of it, I've been working my ass off. Unbelievably. I just woke up a few hours ago, I'm getting sick, and I'm having a hard time making plans to get out of here.

Whatever, I'm off work until Sunday.

Goodbye 2008.

2008-12-31T00:48:00.002-05:00

I am so glad that today is offically the last day of 2008. It's been an amazing year, but crazy.
I'm starting off by beginning a cleanse tomorrow once I wake up. It's from slimquick, so it shouldn't be too miserable.
Then I'm buying an organizer at work.
And then dedicating my life to art!

That sounds so easy. It's not going to be. But hopefully I'll atleast have fun.

I'm weird.

2008-12-29T01:40:00.003-05:00

I think, starting the first of the month, I'm going to begin keeping an organizer. I'll post photos of my week (or scans). Maybe I'll even try the 101 things in 1001 days.
I want to make 2009 amazing. And I want to know and feel like I'm living.

Things lately;

2008-12-27T16:01:00.002-05:00

My life lately:
-Working, like, three overnights this week.
-My sleep schedule is fucked.
-Kristen is home, so automatically my life is better.
-Christmas was badass. I got sick shit.
-I'm rebuilding the front of my boyfriend's truck. I'm an awesome girlfriend, I know.
-I have my first day off tomorrow which also happens to be the Acacia Strain show. I am going to get wrecked.
-I found someone to go see Streetlight Manifesto and Reel Big Fish with.
-I'm losing weight, from not eating real meals and working an entire night without any food.
-I plan to start my gas mask trampstamp in 2009.
-I also plan to get my 'Shine On' tattoo at some point.

I just woke up. Millions of people are coming over. I haven't showered yet.

Snow go away!

2008-12-21T01:45:00.002-05:00

I've started up a new journal on livejournal: add me here

It's friends only, but of course I'm still going to post here, but most personal things will be over there. You can add me if you'd like, I'd love a new audience for over there.

Snow has been getting a little ridiculous. I'm getting rather sick of it.

Mid Sleep Post.

2008-12-18T11:51:00.002-05:00

I went out this morning, for a drive by myself, after I had finished working the overnight shift. It was peaceful, and I snapped a few shots. I wish I had taken more pictures, but I drive a small 5 speed, and just pulling into roads caused me to lose traction severely. I think if I had started pulling off into snow on the side of the road, I'd never get out.

I just woke up from a three hour nap and my lower stomach is killing me. I was starving before I fell asleep, so I decided to eat some sour cream and onion chips just so my stomach will be full of something besides bubbles. Mistake. I plan on going back to sleep in a just a few minutes.

Last night was a decent overnight. Someone was finally smart enough to grab a stereo and plug their IPOD into it. So it was full of good music, atleast. Kyle and I had to cancel breakfast today due to us being broke :(, I miss going to breakfast.

So I've decided to get Ray a phantom grill for the front of his truck. They look like this:

It covers the lights, and I think the one I'm buying will have a kit to recess the lights more, making them barely visible unless they're on. Yay for illegal in Massachusetts!

Okay, time to go back to sleep now.

Day off.

2008-12-15T10:02:00.001-05:00

Today is my only day off this week. Probably until after Christmas, I assume.

I'm going to clean and take pictures. That sounds like an amazing plan.

I also maybe a deal with myself that I'd start making an attempt at wearing lipstick. So I bought some, but I think the colors are a little harsh for me, even though they're extremely light compared to everything else we carry. I'm probably just not used to it. I'll post a photo later of me wearing it so you can see me super self concious and awkward because it makes me nervous.

I should sleep now.

2008-12-13T23:04:00.002-05:00

My car doesn't start. It did this morning when I went to move it, but after that, it died. I miss it. I can't drive an automatic. I almost killed myself because I stepped on the break with my left foot today, believing that it was the clutch, and I was just coasting.

I'm working so much this week. Thinking about it makes me sick.

I'm thinking about a lot of things right now, and they're making me sick.

I miss dates. I don't think I've actually ever been on a legit date. My entire relationship with Ray, we were always with friends. Before we got together, we were just friends, having out with friends. I want a date. Take me somewhere, anywhere. Anything. I want to be on a date because I want to feel like I'm wanted still.

Ugh.

Clearly, I'm just not in a good mood, and I'm alone, and there is a driveway full of cars outside that remind how I'm missing out on this awesome movie I've wanted to see.

New Shades.

2008-12-13T12:42:00.002-05:00

I just bought these beasts for $2.99.

By Spring, I want the most RIDICULOUS collection of over sized sunglasses.

Life is Completely Shitting On Me.

2008-12-11T19:36:00.003-05:00

Today was an absolute waste of my day. The only things I've done are:
1. fill my head with awkward things on the internet.
2. look at bedrooms and realize I can not wait to move out of here and have my own little house (apt.) to decorate and have plenty of space to keep things.
3. have a mental breakdown due to the fact that I am now negative 300 dollars (yeah, that's right, THREE HUNDRED DOLLARS) due to 8 overdraft fees ($35 each). Do you understand how much money that is?! I don't even make that in a week. That could have been my entire Christmas shopping done with. Just thinking about this makes me want to start crying my eyes out.
4. have more plans fall through. Lets see, I haven't successfully hung out with Heather ONCE, and we've been making plans for the past week, and she's always the one blowing me off. That was last night's plans destroyed. Now, tonight, I was supposed to go out with Kate, but that seems more like a death plan with the way the roads are right now. So I'm here.

I really hate everything right now. I have no appetite, which I am not complaining about, but it's making me tired. I'm angry at everything. FUCK THIS SHIT. I want to sleep the next week away just because I feel like I'll feel better when I wake up. I wont. Because money doesn't just appear in a week's time while you're sleeping. Hah.

Ray is getting awful defensive about this whole moving out shit. I know this is where he lives and I'm acting ungrateful and blah blah blah, but I'm not asking to move out next week. I want to move out maybe by next summer, sometime when I'M stable, and don't owe $300 to my own bank. He makes a lot of money, and I know we'd have no problem splitting rent in a nice appartment maybe on the beach or something. They're cheap there, and they're not too bad in the next town over, Amesbury, either. It's not a ridiculous drive from either of our jobs, and we don't need anything big. Living here is making me sick. I cough constantly because his Dad smokes 2 packs a day of straight Marlboros, but it is his house and they are nice enough to let me live here, and I like living here, but theres mold growing everywhere in the bathroom, and I reak of cigarettes all the time, to the point where people think I smoke, and thats gross. I think Ray's respitory problems will clear up, too, once we leave here. That would make such a huge different. I miss having my own space. Everything in this room isn't mine besides the bed and dresser with mirror. I use his computer on his desk next to his printer, and behind me is his other, primary, computer, and desk. And to my right is his couch, and to my left is his TV, TV stand, book shelf, ect. And on top of it all is my piles of little shit because there is nowhere for me to keep my little piles organized and not shitty looking. I don't even have a closet to hang things, and being a girl, that's absurd. Hah. Whatever, I'm okay for now, but I don't want to live here for the rest of my life.

-

2008-12-11T13:44:00.002-05:00

How does it feel when an 18 year old is acting more mature about this situation than you are?

I really can't believe you're stooping this low, and really think it's okay to act like you're not trying to get me fired, and that you're completely buddy-buddy with me, just so you can get away with 'getting paid to sit on your ass'.

Really, if what I think is going to happen, happens, you're about to get a wake up call.

I'm So Done.

2008-12-09T23:24:00.006-05:00

I've decided I'm done with this fucking off bullshit. I feel like shit and I have no self confidence. Starting tomorrow, I'm back to strict business.

& I'm 58 dollars negative in my back account right now. About 140 dollars I had went to fucking transaction fees because I guess I overdrew my account four times, and thats 35 dollars each.

I need some cheering up.

Read this if you need some inspiration.

My Christmas List:

2008-12-07T23:38:00.002-05:00

This weekend has been an overall bust. Anyone I've made plans with this weekend has let them fall through, the concert was sold out last night, and when I decide to call people and try to hang out with them after not seeing them for a while, their phone is shut-off. I'm so frustrated.

By anyways, I've been doing a lot of online shopping/browsing to find things that I could possibly ask for. Here it goes (don't mind how ridiculous this is, I don't expect any of this from anyone, I just enjoy the feeling of want.)

Fragrances:

Intimately Beckham (I have an un-Godly obsession with Vbecks.)

Daisy by Marc Jacobs.

Camera Shit:

Canon 70-300 mm Telephoto Zoom lens

Canon 14 mm Fisheye lens

Canon 90 mm tiltshift lens

Canon Battery Grip.(I've wanted one of these for a while, but I can never decide if its worth the money when I have that much money to spend)

Other:

- A new 02 sensor for my 91 Celica would be great, thanksssss! haha.
- A new gas tank as well.
- A giant hammer and sickle stick for my back window.
- A giftcard to H&M would probably be amazing since I live in that store.
- Books, Books, Books.
- Music. ANY KIND.
- A hug :)
- Polaroid film (600)
- fix my Polaroid flash
- A new tripod (this belongs in the camera section, but I couldn't find the tripod I want. I want one that goes all the way upside down. Like a 180-360 I think?)

Haha I don't even know. I guess I'll go to bed now.

SNOW.

2008-12-07T11:16:00.002-05:00

So, it snowed last night. I figured I'd take a photo from inside because it's too cold out. Not like it matters, I have to go to work in a few minutes. I think its cute how Ray has this big man-ly truck, and I have my cute little KHUTTS mobile. We're obviously perfect for each other. You can tell by our vehicles.

I've made some goals:

-bar-tending license by next summer.
-motorcycle license by 20.
-rebuild a firebird by 25.
-move out of here by 20.
-have a house by 28.
-be married by 30.

haha, good luck krissy.

My shopping so far:

2008-12-07T01:34:00.002-05:00

I bought this tonight offline for my Mom for Christmas. It's a break-apart charm, and I bought two silver necklaces for them, so I can wear my half and she can wear hers. The more I think of it, the more insecure and nervous I feel about it. Like, will she really ever wear this? Will she think it's a dumb present because her and I have never really gotten along? I want to give this to her and hope its the new start of our relationship, a more mature one. It's the one Christmas gift I'm really worried about.

So, the concert I was so excited to see tonight was sold out when we went to buy tickets this afternoon. This shows us not to be idiots and wait until the last minute next time. So, we then proceeded to do some holiday shopping. This is what I have accomplished so far:

Mom:(birthday presents for Saturday)
-A lambie blanket from Bath & Bodyworks
-A lambie plush from Bath & Bodyworks
-Lambie Slippers from Bath & Bodyworks
-Lambie Saches from Bath & Bodyworks

Obviously, I did her birthday shopping at Bath & Bodyworks. I couldn't resist how cute the Lambie Collection is. I bought myself a cute little plush, as well.

Dad:
-3 pairs of pajama pants

Laura:
- Vichy Toner
- Vichy Daily Moisturizer
- Vichy Spot Treatment
- Vichy Exfoliating Cleanser

I figured I'd do my sister a favor by letting her recieve her own Vichy Skincare line, instead of using awful cleansers that are doing nothing but bother her skin. This is the line I use, and my skin has cleared up so much. I want to keep her confident, and not suffer through her middle school and high school years so self concious about her acne like I did.

Nana:
- Vichy Reti-C Eye Care

My Nana loves using anything for her eyes, since she's so bothered by the wrinkles and dark spots she has. I'm thinking about getting her the La Roche Posay Mela D Dark Spot Treatment to help her out with the awful sun damage she has going on.

This season is turning out so expensive to me. But its late, and I guess I'll go dream about all the money I don't have as I snooze next to Lambie.

Oh, and I ordered Slaughter-House-Five. I'm anxious to read this book everyone is moved by.

Saturday.

2008-12-06T13:58:00.003-05:00

I'm going to a concert tonight. The first one in what feels like ages. I'm very excited, and even took the entire day off for it (really, I couldn't find anyone to switch shifts with). We're leaving in just a bit, to buy the tickets, and maybe do some holiday shopping. I hope the Undertaker is there (he's a beast that goes to most concerts I'm at, and he completely destroys everyone in the moshpit. He dresses just like the Undertaker, too.) If he's there, I'll try to snap a photo with my shitty camera-phone.

The other night, Kate and I drove for hours in my car. At one point, we parked at some public boat-dock and completely rocked out to Lady Marmalade, straight through. I love her, and how comfortable I am with her. We proceeded to go to Hampton, and the Seabrook Wal*mart, talking about nuclear power plants, money, and lack there of.

I'm competely lost on what I should buy people for Christmas. I think I'll make a list now, just to help myself a bit. Anyone have any good ideas for presents for parents? I have not a clue.

I am too connected to you.

2008-12-01T19:39:00.005-05:00

I did a series today that came to me out of nowhere. It revolves around Tool's song, 'H.' This song has had such a huge meaning to me over the past two years or so, since I discovered it that night in the truck, running to nowhere. It's not getting much of a response on DeviantArt, but I didn't expect it to. It has significant meaning to me, and to anyone else who understands.

It feels like Sunday, which upsets me. I've work in the morning, for the next week straight. Work has been running me down, I've been looking for other places to go. I love all my coworkers, but I can not stand how it's run, and the constant lying and excuses that my boss spews. Fuck it.

Fuck a lot of things right now. People are so complicated. I'm trying to help someone and I don't even know what to say anymore. How do you help someone that doesn't actually want help, or help them move on when they don't want to. I'm not forceful, I just want the most for them, and I want them happy.

Here's the series: DeviantArt Collection

Nocturnal.

2008-11-30T15:58:00.002-05:00

So, I feel like my life has become nothing but friends, work, and sleeping at awkward hours.

Black Friday was something else. Nick was over. I did not sleep, nor did I want to. We stayed up all night talking about some really deep things, and I liked it. The three of us went to Dunkin Donuts at 3 am so I could get a large green tea. After we parted ways, and I went to work, Ray and Nick hit a deer. The whole situation was a mess and I told him to bring it back to our house, hang it, and gut it. But, they hung it and didn't gut it, and went shopping for the opening sales. So, we had bad meat hanging in our yard. They got rid of it later on. At work I felt like I was floating and not living and all those awful things I feel when I'm on the road to heart failure from caffeine. I came home at noon and slept until 4. Then, we went food shopping.

Saturday, I worked all day, and then came home and got together with some friends. Nick, Matt, and Cam all came over and we played video games for hours. I love it. We decided to visit Walmart at 3, Ray bought me Wall-E :D, and we came back. Sleep came around 5, and waking happened at 2. I've managed to take a shower so far, but nothing else. I'm so lazy and tired. I hate it. I have plans tonight with Michelle, who I haven't seen in a while. No work again tomorrow, I love it.

I feel like the more pictures I take, the worse I get.

Thanksgiving.

2008-11-27T18:10:00.002-05:00

So, Happy Thanksgiving.

I realized that last night, best friends = people who will watch the entire first movie of Faces of Death with me all night. The four of us sat around my computer and watched it. Hahah. I love you guys.

On Tuesday, we drove a total of eight hours for a 20 minute funeral in the pouring rain. I think it was my Great Grandmother getting her last word in, honestly.

Tomorrow is the worst day in retail, and also when my life begins to seriously fall a part. Oh, Black Friday. From tomorrow until January, I am going to be the most stressed and pissed off person in the universe. Beware.

Now that Thanksgiving is over, I want to go to the gym and take photos and have as much fun as possible. Like, take the rest of 2008 full throttle.

2008, I'm going to have you by the balls until you die.

Funeral.

2008-11-25T06:53:00.002-05:00

I'm about to leave to begin the long process of getting to Maine to pay my respects to my great grandmother. My Dad brought home a lot of her belongings the day after she passed, and they're all sitting in my parent's garage. Going through it all was so surreal. I saw a picture of her from the 20's, and I can't even believe its her. She has this large bell collection (she's the reason why I began to love bells so much) and I'm excited when those get passed down to me, though it wont be for years.

She had so many photos of me when I was a baby, and it made me remember that she had always been in my life, I just can't remember it all. It's sad, in a way, that's she's gone now, but I think 99 years was a long enough life, I can't imagine ever living that long.

One Year.

2008-11-20T22:33:00.004-05:00

It's been one year. One fucking year, and I was feeling so amazing about everything today. I didn't sleep, and I didn't care. It was on my mind, but I forced better thoughts into my head. I worked my first full shift since last week, and my body began to feel better. I went to the doctors and got blood tests. I got a new hair style and even colour and it looks so amazing.

I thought I deserved it all. I've been dying sick for a week, and now I'm finally better. I've battled some emotional battles, but I was standing today, okay. I thought I deserved a treat.

My Great Grandmother died. What a better way to mark this already amazing anniversary. Now, I have two things to think about each time this day rolls by. My family is in shambles, and I'm going away soon with them for the funeral in Maine.

& I'm stranded here. My car isnt working.

I can't stop crying.

No Sleep.

2008-11-19T06:42:00.002-05:00

I've been up for almost two hours. Wide. Fucking. Awake.

I'm hungry, but it's far too early to start eating.

Maybe I'll get something done today.

But, for now, couch and blanket by myself (:[) and mr. tv.

I just spent an hour looking at old livejournals of people I used to envy and look up to. But, I think my life is better, now.

Sickness.

2008-11-18T20:05:00.003-05:00

I'm still successfully dying. I'm going to attempt to go out tomorrow. I have work tomorrow night.

Anyone know what disease causes a neverending headache and stiff neck?

I'm going to go upload photos now that I should have had done, like, weeks ago.

Fuckkk meee.

November Sorrows.

2008-11-17T23:20:00.001-05:00

All I want to do is snap away with my camera;
but it's so hard for me to find strength.
I hate November.

Death.

2008-11-16T22:59:00.002-05:00

My goal for tomorrow is to go to work. If I don't, then I'm really not letting myself go up to Kristen's, because clearly something is seriously wrong. I feel out of it. Malaise, I think the word is? Just a general feeling of discomfort, feeling unwell and just sick. Nothing specific, I just feel bad and like there's something wrong with my body. I've had headaches, felt like I've had a fever, wanted to throw up, felt exhausted, and my throat started to hurt, all at one point this weekend. I don't know what it is, but I hate it. I just want to wake up and feel 100% better, like this was just some nasty, long virus. But I know I wont. I'll end up calling out, going to the doctors, and not be able to tell them whats wrong, because I don't really know.

I called out Friday night, went in Saturday for 5 out of the 8 hours I was supposed to be there, and called out again today. Everyone at work is worried, but really, I'm the worried one, because I'm too broke to get sick, but now I'm too sick so I'll get broke. I HATE having a small amount hours, I HATE missing work, I HATE not being able to do anything with myself.

And I really don't think I'm ready to drive all the way to Bangor, but I really want to be there for my best friend. After tomorrow, I'm off until Wednesday night for truck, and spending the entire time relaxing (and maybe doing a run of antibiotics) sounds amazing, but I don't want to let her down and be alone when I told her I'd have her back no matter what. That's shitty, and I don't want to do that to her.

I'm feeling very exhausted right now, and honestly, my body is scaring me. I ALMOST feel like I'm doing this to myself, because this month is a very important one to me, marking one year after an incident that still haunts me, and I find myself thinking about it more and more, and it just makes me feel so sick, but I can't shake it. But I don't believe I could mentally do THIS to myself.

I drank a bottle of water with some Vitamin C shit in it, I really hope it helps my body is this exhausting fight. I'm so uncomfortable, unhappy. Sad.

I feel like tonight is going to be a fight, just to see tomorrow. This is awful.

Down.

2008-11-13T21:16:00.003-05:00

Everything has turned to shit lately.

I'm broke as fuck, and it's really getting in the way of me living right now. It's such a pain in the ass. The new clutch kit is in my car, but that cost me about $400. I'm really glad it's done though, my car has a lot more power and definitely grabs when I shift. No more burning smell or clutch slipping. I just have to get used to driving with the clutch loose now. Hah, so frustrating.

My Dad was diagnosed with Lyme's Disease today. I spent the day at my parents house once I was out of work at 8 am, and he ended up going to the doctor because he's not getting better. Apparently, he's been getting sick for a few weeks now, and the weird swelling in the back of his head came back (cellulitus, an infection beneathe the skin). I was worried he was going to be hospitalized again, just like last year. It's SO hard to see someone you love tied to IVs and antibiotics, stuck in a bed in a room alone for days. I'm glad that isn't happening again. They caught it early, thanks to the fact that his diabetes makes any kind of infection or disease progress quickly. If he weren't diabetic, he probably wouldn't be showing symptoms for years.

I'm going away Monday night until Wednesday afternoon to Kristen's in Bangor, ME. I'm going to be with her while she gets a medical procedure done because she's my best friend and I really want to help her and support her. That happens Tuesday. I'm suprised how fast time passed.

I'm cold and I feel like I'm getting sick. I'm just unhappy today. I'm staying up tonight to watch Grey's Anatomy at 1 am. Bleh.

Early Morning

2008-11-08T03:25:00.000-05:00

I just got back from Susan's house. Tonight, her and I paper mached millions of balloons for some party she's having for kids at her restaurant. It was fun.

I'm not ready for bed yet. I don't know what I'm ready for, really. I'm just sitting in the dark, typing.

I hit an animal tonight on the way to Susan's house. It was foggy, and by the time I saw it, it was far too late, so I stepped on the gas. There was no damage done to my car, just some guts and blood. Luckily, it's raining tonight.

I wanted to pick up my camera and go out and capture something today before work, but I slept far too late, and woke up unmotivated and tired. I hate that.

I took a pregnancy test today at work. I haven't felt myself lately, there's been a lot of nausea, dizziness, and weird breakouts happening. Luckily, it came out negative, which I figured it would, but I've still no idea whats going on with my body. I think its the change in my diet, because I've been eating a lot more than I'm used to, with Halloween and everything. Today, I woke up, and weighed in at 130.5. I'm super excited, because I've been trying to break 131, and I didn't think that would happen today. Then, I proceeded to eat M&Ms for breakfast. Luckily, I finished them all so they can stop haunting me.

I wish men all showed their emotions the same way. Today, I was looking through old photographs of when my first boyfriend, Terry, came to visit me. There's one of us on the grass, and the look on his face explains everything. I don't feel for him anymore, and I haven't in years, but I feel like I haven't ever seen Ray with that look on his face. Sometimes, I wonder who I made happier. I know who has made me happiest, and I'm still with him. I just wish I weren't questioning myself as to who I've made happier. It could just be because he can be difficult to read, and showcases his emotions in completely different ways. He is passionate at times, I'm not saying he isn't. Hell, I don't even know what I'm saying.

I've been sensing distance a lot lately between him and I. I've been getting upset lately at the lack of time management he has, and lack of priorities, and he knows it. It's no secret. And I try to tell him again and again that he needs to figure out what is more important to him. He leaves homework until the last minute, and rarely has his labs done on time. He gets upset when I have plans at night, but most of the time he has homework to do, so I'd just spend my night basically alone while he does it. I just wish I didn't feel bad or guilty when he complains about how he misses me and wishes I would come home, when I know he has plenty to do and me being there would be no help. I know I certainly don't deserve feeling like shit right now because he's doing badly, but wants to go out and do things with me and my friends when I'm out. I wish he were with me, and I miss him as well, but he has this opportunity to get an education and better his life, which I don't, and I want him to take full advantage of it. I'm jealous, and I wish I could just shake him and make him understand how lucky he is to be doing what he does, and that things like band practice and having friends over should not be the reasoning why he is missing homeworks or doing things last minute.

I know he just wants to have fun and feels like he's missing out, but fuck, I feel like I'm missing out on my dream future, but there's nothing for me to do about that. And that is far more important to me than nights out with my friends.

I feel like I'm going to be picking this dried flour out of my fingers and nails for weeks.

New Ink

2008-11-05T22:37:00.006-05:00

I got my second tattoo today (or, technically second, third, and fourth if you count each as an individual tattoo).

I find it so unbelievably perfect, and it really fits well with my life. It's been almost a year since something tragic and bone-breaking happened to me, and I would have never guessed I would have healed so well and come so far.

What I am.

2008-11-02T22:59:00.003-05:00

I live a dirty lifestyle. I wonder who out there respects me for it. I obsess over meaty trucks whose exhaust pitch hits just that right decibel to makes my ear drums vibrate. I went out of my way to make sure the car I bought was a standard even though I had never learned to drive a manual in my life. And I've perfected it. I've fought so hard my entire life that I finally feel like my skin is thick. All these tragedies and back-breaking incidents have paid off. I don't feel weak anymore. I don't crave to be delicate, powerless, small. At one time, being that meant the world to me. I've always wanted to show how much pain I've endured in the small time frame of eighteen years, but I've learned don't let your scars show. Coming across as weak and broken does not bring comfort from the sympathy of others, the only comfort that I've really found is from myself.

I don't sleep around. I give myself that respect. I've only slept with one person, but that does not make me entirely modest. Honestly, not many would have seen me as the person to get my nipples pierced, or try out-of-the-norm things, but I had, and do. In a way, I strive for sexual attention. I want to be attractive in multiple ways; from my appearance to the courage and self confidence I carry. I don't want to be seen as boring.

I've chosen an alternative lifestyle from my hobbies to my appearance. Although most of my generation is pierced or tattooed, it still makes a huge impact on first impressions and being looked at seriously as a whole. Being an artist is still something that causes hunger and much striving even though it seems that's what everyone is. I'm ashamed that art has become a trend, but I'm not about to back away from something that feels so right to me. It just makes me strive to be better than those who don't feel the full-force starvation that us real artists do. I will take out what is empty in me and make it whole. I have learned to adjust and grow and feel okay when I have less productive days, or when I know I need to grow to be better. Art is constant movement, but it needs to be recognized first on a personal level before it can become a full movement.

I have an interest in sick things. I obsess over Ukraine and how privileged they are to have Chernobyl over there sitting dormant. I am in love with World War II history, and if I could, I would specialize in teaching it. I love seeing man-made disasters because it proves that nothing is perfect, anything made by human hands can malfunction. It can cause deaths, both instant and long. Suffering. I love to watch and learn how things go wrong. I dream about post-apocalyptic world and how I would manage to survive if I had made it that far. I love thinking about anarchy and the guns I would carry and the people I would make a colony with. The rides through town that could end your life that day, or you ending an others. I find peace in chaos, and I understand why that looks so bad to other people.

While others are absorbed in binge drinking and doing drugs, I'm having the time of my life sitting on top of a truck offroading, in the pouring rain. I enjoy driving everywhere, all night. I like dragracing. I love open conversations that run so deep. Or being behind a camera, capturing life. Or travelling to the millions of places I know or discover. There's so much more to me than just what can be seen. I have lies, secrets, stories.

What makes you think of me? I often wonder that.

What I do on daylight savings time.

2008-11-02T00:12:00.001-04:00

I'm about to have my "first LAN" with my boyfriend and Nick.

Hahahahaha.

I'm going to get owned.

I've made up my mind.

2008-10-29T20:36:00.002-04:00

I've finally decided on my next tattoo(s). I'm getting three feathers down my right forearm (from inner elbow to wrist). Winding between the feathers is a quote from Chuck Palahniuk; "The lower you fall, the higher you'll fly". I haven't decided on a font yet, but hopefully after tomorrow night, I'll have a nice sketch after Rachel helps me out. :)

I'm so excited, and I really want to get this ASAP. Unfortunatly I have a car to register and inspect. Poooooop.

Good morning?

2008-10-29T14:15:00.002-04:00

I just woke up. I kind of feel like I got hit by a bus or something, but it's okay because I'm eating the rest of my sour patch watermelons. I stayed out all night with Rachel and then Adam, too. I'm really glad Rachel and I have started hanging out. I barely get along or hang out with any girls, but just how relaxed and mellow she is makes everything good and not full of drama or bitching. I feel like we get along really well, both about photography and art, and other aspects of life too. Hopefully I'll have more nights like last night. I could use someone down to earth like her in my life right now.

I didn't get home until 5, right when Ray was waking up, and I got to sleep somewhere around 6. I guess its kind of good I stayed up all night because it's conditioning me for truck tonight at midnight. I'm excited for breakfast tomorrow with Kyle because we've decided to go to IHOP now, and their food is SO much better than Denny's.

I think today I'm going to be productive. The first thing I did when I woke up was throw some clothes in the washer. This room is an absolute mess. I also need to go food shopping because I've officially run out of things I like to eat and drink. I haven't went food shopping since the first day I moved in here. Hahah.

Oh, and photoshop doesn't work on either computers now, so I can't finish editing anything, and I'm really upset by that.

Fuckkaudhsakjdnks

2008-10-26T08:56:00.002-04:00

I DONT WANT TO BE ALIVE RIGHT NOW.

Last night's party was fun, but the reason why I'm so miserable. I wish I weren't awake. Why do I ask for so many hours at work? I don't understand it. My uterus feels like it's doing jumping jacks right now. I can't type. I shouldn't have followed everyone to Salisbury last night for the afterparty. I hit weird things like trash cans because it was storming extreme.

Time for work! All day!

Fall Photoshoot

2008-10-23T23:05:00.002-04:00

Today, I got to have a photoshoot with a girl who I've looked up to and have been inspired by her art, and overall self. It was really fun and comfortable, and I'm SO happy with the pictures I took. I need to start editing them, but I haven't slept, and my boyfriend has company, so I'm about to join them.

Here's a photograph I took, and she edited:

Of course, I'll be all over this shit when I'm awake and not so busy.

But, please, check out her art, and maybe it will touch and inspire you the way it has for me: Rachel Hurst Photography

Dreams.

2008-10-20T11:25:00.001-04:00

The spot on my spine, below my neck, where you kissed and breathed on last night was cold once you rolled over.

Sometimes I miss you even when you're just sleeping.

Weekenders.

2008-10-19T12:11:00.002-04:00

I've been keeping busy as always.

Friday, I picked up Heather, Susan, and Justin, and we all drove to Plaistow to get their CO2 filled for Paintballing. We all hung out for a while, until 5. I went home, then Ray and I went dragracing. It was fun, especially because I could be a passenger. As always, we were the slowest truck, but we also did have two batteries, a computer monitor, shit from my house, and tools in the back seat. There was another tahoe there but they would have beaten us by like, .2 seconds. I wish we raced them though because it would have been atleast close. During one race, we were getting ready to get up and I saw we were racing some old hatchback civic. I'm like 'Oh, atleast we're racing him, I bet he doesn't go that fast'. Then, he pulls out a helmet, which means his car burns under 13 seconds at a half mile. Ray and I were just like 'O.O'. Then you hear him pull up and he has like, an extreme hydrolic, aftermarket transmission. So he beat us...by a lot.

Once we were done at the dragway, we went down and had dinner with Kate and her boyfriend at Not Your Average Joe's in Newburyport. Then we went home and went to sleep.

Yesterday, I went to my parent's before work. Then I worked, came home to a party here, and shortly after, everyone left. I had plans but they fell through so it was a lame night.

I'm dying my hair right now, trying to get the spotting to go away. I love dying my hair.

I'm having Ray's brother fix my brakes today. I guess my clutch can stand a bit longer with the way it is. After I finish getting ready, we're going to autozone to spend money on things for my car. Guhhh.

Here are some photos:

At Heather & Justin's appartment on Thursday

On the way to the dragway

At the dragway

Our number...backwards.

before going

Kate at dinner

Both of us.

Ray and I

Kate

Me

Driving.

2008-10-16T14:13:00.002-04:00

I'm having a difficult time sleeping after working truck all night last night. Kyle and I got everything finished before 6 am, so we got to leave. Kyle thought it would be exciting to have me drive because I'm bad at it in my new car, but I didn't stall at all except when I was backing up out of the parking spot at Denny's, because me and backing up don't do well.

Driving a standard is really making me feel anxious while I'm driving around. This morning, on the way to my parent's house, I ended up going down all these side roads and turning around just to avoid certain hill starts. I ended up finding myself at a bunch of lights and stops, and I did those fine, though I did squeal out once or twice, but it was minor. I'm starting to feel a bit more comfortable with it now, though not completely. Some guy was riding my ass even though I was going well above the speed limit on the way here and it made me nervous to stop and take a left like I needed to, because I felt I would stall, so I just kept driving, and that's when all the back roads began.

My parents really think the car is fitting for me, and they think it's so cute. My Dad told me I have a hydraulic clutch, so he thinks I don't need a new clutch kit, just more fluid to help with how high/low the clutch lets off. He even showed me where the hydraulic heads were in my engine. I really hope that is just the problem, because if the clutch were going and slipping, I'd be smelling asbestos anytime I hit the clutch, and my engine would also rev, which wouldn't make sense if it were in neutral. And my car does neither of these. The clutch just lets off far too high, making hill starts impossible. Because I have to let off the clutch so high, theres a longer delay between when I roll back and then forwards. I have no insurance right now, so I can't roll back into anyone. I can't get into an accident period, really.

I don't really know what to do with myself right now. I don't want to eat because I know I'm not really hungry, just bored. I've gained a lot over this past week, and it's really worried me. Yesterday I was back to feeling like my thin self until I went to breakfast this morning and got an omelette. I'm eating with my parents tonight, which is unfortunate, since all I really want is some soup or crackers, not roast pork. I'm also going with my Mom so we can get our nails done. I'm excited to have hands that don't look like shit anymore, it makes me feel like my customers take notice to it and judge. I need to look the part, definitely.

Speaking of work, I'm off tomorrow, for the first time ever, and also Sunday, which makes me super excited to just stay in bed forever. I do have a work meeting, though. Thats not until 6:30 at night. I'm dropping my car off for work Sunday night, and the mechanic said it could take a few days atleast, which is really shitty because that = a lot of $$$. Urg. I need to register, insure, and get a sticker for it, as well. YES BEING BROKE.

New Car

2008-10-15T11:47:00.003-04:00

Well, that's my new car. I love it, though it does need some work. We proved it driveable last night, which is good, though. I'm going to take it for a spin in a few minutes to try to master driving stick. The clutch is going, so it lets off high, but I'm getting that fixed. The brakes also have a leak or something because they're not too good. It's all good though. I bought a new battery for it, and now I just have to fix all the problems and it will be good to go! Okay, now time to go kill myself driving it.

Savoury

2008-10-14T07:11:00.002-04:00

I'm listening to Enigma right now, which really isn't the best apocalyptic/nuclear warfare music, but it's making me think a lot.

I'm so glad I live here right now. I'm so relaxed, but so busy, and I don't mind. Until I get my car on the road, I have to get up at 5 am to drive my boyfriend to work so I can use his car for work later in the day. Which is the reason why I'm awake right now on the internet. I don't like to go back to bed.

I'm so content with the way things are going for me.

Ray told me the other day that his friend really had a changed perception of me from when we first started dating to now. I guess I've really grown and become independent, which obviously happens, but it's so different to hear it from someone else. I'd like to think that I'm solid on the ground now, but I know that will change. I've still got growing to do.

I'm so glad to be back in Massachusetts, though I'm not a legal resident currently. I love living here again, I feel like I can finally breathe. In Windham, I suffocated constantly, and I had no one. I think living there drove me insane and caused a lot of the problems I'm still dealing with. The isolation brought out a part of me I never thought existed in this quiet, shy girl. I did these crazy things and made mistake and bad decisions, but moving down here, I'm still somehow intact, and I'm slowly being healed again. No more loneliness, only love. I'm not interested in anyone else, I'm not trying to find comfort in other people. He is here with me, and I'm always surrounded by love and familiarity. I simply cannot complain.

Now, my art is struggling. I picked up my camera for the first time since the second day of my stay here yesterday, and took two self portraits I enjoyed. I want to make an effort of this. I want to do it again today. I want to flourish and expand my horizons and find borders to break. It will happen. I will push myself until I'm satisfied.

New Purchases.

2008-10-13T07:01:00.002-04:00

I just bought this camera for $30 off Amazon.com. I'm so excited for it to ship! I've wanted a Polaroid Camera for so unbelievably long, and I'm excited to start taking polaroids. I also bought a 10 pack of 600 speed film for about $135, and I'm going to put a pack or two aside to mess around with expired film-taking whenever they expire. Yezzzzz.

I guess I shouldn't be left to my own disposal at 6 am. I end up buying things.

I also ended up buying a 91 Toyota Celica. I'm so excited! My friend Derek and I went up and test-drove it, and I ended up paying only $1,000 for it! The brakes need some work, the E brake doesn't work period, it has a leak in the air flow, and it needs a new clutch kit installed. It also needs a battery that I'm going to hopefully buy today for it. Tomorrow, I think I'm going to have the guy tow it to the garage up the street, and I'll have him do everything for me. It's a standard, which I'm so happy about. It already has a nice CD player in it, it has a sunroof, the interior is good, and it has about 173k miles on it. I love it. Hopefully it will be driveable by Thursday or Wednesday night?

Well, I need to shower and get ready for work now.

Life

2008-10-12T14:13:00.002-04:00

I've given up on relaxing and spending useless time home with myself. I've been going non-stop. I love it. I love this lifestyle.

Last night, once I got out of work, I came home to change and then sped off to Heather's house. I was so excited to just get there and hang out with her, I felt like I was jumping out of my skin. I'm so glad we're friends again, because hanging out with her reminds me of why I used to love her so much, and how we were such close friends. We just get along so well, it's unexplainable.

When I got there, her parents were so happy to see me. I use to almost live there for the four or five years I lived next door. Since I've moved, I think I've been there once or twice, and that was in the beginning. Her Mom couldn't believe how much I've grown up. She kept talking about it and asking me all these questions about myself. It was nice, and so refreshing.

Heather, her boyfriend Justin, and I, all left and headed towards the beach. We called Susan, and her and her boyfriend Liam finally decided they would meet us there. We walked around and talked and ate fried dough. Heather's boyfriend is really nice, and it's so obviously they're deeply in love with each other. I'm really happy for Heather, because he makes her so happy and he's just a really genuine guy. He isn't fucked up, or sketchy, or anything, so I'm happy for her. The only big deal is his age, and the whole time we were hanging out I didn't even think about it. He acts like all the friends I hang out with, so I don't have a problem with him being a bit older.

Susan and Liam showed up shortly after I finished eating the fried dough. Liam seems pretty cool as well, he's rather funny, but a bit quieter than all of us. After freezing our asses off, we decided to meet back at Susan's house. We all sat in the kitchen and talked and did crossword puzzles on Susan's cereal until 2 am, or maybe even 2:30. Then, because Heather had to be awake at 6, I brought her and her boyfriend back to her house and said goodnight.

I got back home around 3, and Ray was home after his concert he went to. I'm kind of upset I had work because I really wanted to go to that concert. The whole concert situation with my life right now has me a bit frustrated because in the past few months I haven't been able to go to the concerts I've wanted to go to. It really wasn't my choice, either. Ray didn't want to go because the money has been tight, but I kind of think he just wasn't interested in spending money on bands he didn't like. I wanted to see Apocalyptica because I've really gotten into them lately, and then I wanted to see the Mars Volta but we didn't go to that either. I don't know, I just feel kind of cheated because he didn't really have the money to spend on the concert he went to last night, and that concert cost more than the two I wanted to go to. I would have paid, too. Blah, I don't know. I shouldn't complain, I guess I'm just jealous because I wish I were the one telling him how good such and such band was instead of the other way around.

He wasn't happy with me when I got home, and it really put me in a sour mood, which has carried over into today. Since I've begun hanging back out with Heather and Susan, he hasn't acted happy for me in the least. Everything I tell him, he has something rude to say back, and he actually put me in tears the other night while I was on break at work and I called him to talk to him about my plans and whatnot. I'm just so happy and it's like he doesn't agree with it at all. Oh well.

Well Monica is here, so tata!

Ahh fun!

2008-10-11T10:38:00.002-04:00

I've been having so much fun lately! Lets see:

Well, the ride to Chicopee, MA, was ridiculously long, especially for a meeting that only lasted three hours. That's about how long it took me to get there. It was training for a product line called Vichy, that I love! The products are a bit expensive, but I don't mind because they last a while and really show results. I got some free products, which I love as well. Yesss.

After that, I went and cashed my savings bonds. Apparently, they take about 18 years to mature, so most of mine weren't mature at all. I got $2,600 out of the $3,400 face value. Oh well, I'm very glad.

Then, there was truck Wednesday night into Thursday morning. That wasn't all too special. Then breakfast to Denny's with Kyle. We got ridiculous because of how overtired we were, haha.

I've dyed my hair back to red, which I'm very happy about. I think it suits me best, and after a few more dyes, it will really look even.

Thursday night I went to the Topsfield Fair with Ray, Kate, and Becca. We had a lot of fun and blew our money on the stupid rides. It was so fun though, and I'm so glad we went. On one ride, I felt like we were going to die. I really don't trust rides that are put up and taken down often and look like they were built decades ago. I didn't die, though.

Here are some of those photos:

Then, yesterday, I got together with Susan and Heather in the morning. I'm really so glad I hung out with them. It's really nice to catch up and just fall back into the good friendship we all once had. We get along really good now, maybe even better than before, and we all have changed. They're both doing their different things now, and none of us live at home anymore. We're 18. It's nice to hang out with people my own age now, just learning how to embrace life, and still being crazy. We went to a park in Newburyport, then to eat at Susan's work. Ohh good times.

Then I worked all night.

After, I went to my parent's house, and we relaxed and talked. They were so happy I was there.

Today, I'm going to hopefully buy that Celica I want. Derek is on his way to get me now, and I plan on driving up there because I need more practice on standards.

Then, work again. Then, back with Susan and Heather tonight. :)

FUCK THISSS

2008-10-08T06:05:00.002-04:00

HI. It's 6 am. I've already been up for two hours. In about 5 minutes, I'm going to embark on a wonderful journey to Chicopee, Mass. I have a beauty meeting that I need to be at by 8. Vichy training, and then an outing? I'm really not looking forward to this at all, and I want to see if I can sneak out of this outing. I have work tonight at midnight, and if I stayed for the whole thing, I wouldn't get home till 7. I really hope I have enough gas to make it there and back. I know I don't. Its over 200 miles round trip. I'm in Ray's Tahoe with half a tank. Shoot me.

Fuck a whole bunch of today.

Busy week

2008-10-06T23:07:00.002-04:00

I'm getting sick, slow and miserable. I've been coming down with something over the past two days, and just now is my nose starting to drip down my face. I've sneezed so much today, and I've been sucking down those Cold-Eeze drops, which are more like metal drops from the nasty zinc after-taste.

Today was decent. Charlie taught me how to drive a standard, which I failed at many times, but I think I've finally gotten the hang of it. I just need to get more comfortable and get a better feel for the vehicle. It's exciting, though. So I spent the day with him, driving all over the world on errands. I like this sudden life I have now that I live near everyone. It makes me so happy.

I've work tomorrow from 9:30-5, which sounds miserable but whatever. I'm promised 40+ hours starting November 1st, so I might as well get used to it. Wednesday, I drive two hours to Chikopee, MA. Joyous. I'll be doing that in a massive truck that guzzles far too much gas. I'll leave Chikopee around 5 pm. I'm nervous because I don't know what to expect, I've never done a meeting before.

Then, I come home, and go to work at midnight. I hate the next few days, with a passion. But then it's over and I'll be walking around Topsfield Fair Thursday night, well rested and rearing to go. I will be with Kate and whoever else decides to go.

I've been thinking about my entire life lately. I just get all of these flashbacks. I swear it's just how I get once I progress with life. Once I graduated high school, all I kept thinking about was my entire school career. Now I'm looking back on my entire life, period. It's interesting, sad, and happy.

I'm waiting for Charlie to get here with my camera.

Sickness Already

2008-10-06T00:00:00.002-04:00

I feel like I'm dying. I'm coming down with some kind of illness and all my cough drops are gone and I have no other medicine. Of course. Whatever.

I had a good night tonight. I called some people, talked to an old friend and caught up with shit.

Then, I called Kate and she came and got me, and her and her friend went to this random kid's house on Salisbury Beach and literally died for hours. When we came out, the world had changed, we decided. It was just rain, really. It was so funny, though.

Now I'm "home" (it really still doesn't feel exactly like home). I feel sick as fuck, and know I will only feel worse tomorrow. I don't care, though. I need to find a friend to teach me stick, because I think I'll be buying one in the next few days.

Goodnight.

I hate Thursdays

2008-10-02T23:26:00.002-04:00

I've only been awake for about 5 or 6 hours now, and now it's time for bed againnnn. I feel so blah and exhausted.

I need to make an effort to go to the gym tomorrow. It's been over a WEEK. :(

Then work tomorrow at 2, eww. I'm so unenthusiastic about life right now. BUT mostly everything is moved into place here, I'm excited.

Warwick Avenue

2008-10-02T08:56:00.003-04:00

I'm at my parent's house right now, and I just got back from doing truck all night then going for breakfast with Kyle. Today, I'm going to a) try to clean up whats left of my room, but likely b)pass the fuck out on the couch from exhaustion.

I'm feeling pretty spontaneous right now, so I want to start cleaning my room, because once I hit anything soft, I'm dead, and will be dead even after I awake.

I feel like I'm dead to my parents, which is sad, because I'm not. They act like I'm leaving and I'll never see their faces again. I know it's upsetting for your first child to fly from the next, but I'm going to be around here a hell of a lot more often. I want to spend time with them. I am tonight. I'm going to the gym with my Mom and then watching all of our Thursday shit shows together (mmmm Grey's and Survivor!)

Oh well, this will just take some adjusting, that's all.

Movinggg.

2008-10-01T14:15:00.002-04:00

I had a nice conversation with my father yesterday. He called me, confused as to whether I was angry with him or not. Of course, I'm not. We talked about if I was truely happy or not, which I really am. I think this move will really help me be closer with my family. While I lived there, all I did was make a mess and never be a part of anything. With moving out, I find I want to spend more time with them, and I also like the fact that I'm looked at as an adult now.

Ray and I went to my parent's house with the intention of leaving with all my big stuff, like my bed and bureau. Well, things never go as planned with us, but we did leave with my bed and without the screws to put it together. Derrr. We got home late and it was pouring, so we didn't want to put the bed together anyways. That will happen later tonight. We're going to go back up with a friend of ours so he can help move because I am extremely weak, I've learned.

I've taken over the second computer Ray has. I just finished moving all his music onto here, and making all my bookmarks. Hah. He doesn't want me destroying and filling his good computer with my massive photos. Fine by me.

I need to start moving things out of the den. I think it's kind of funny that I wont even get to sleep in my bed after we put it together tonight because I have truck. I'm really not looking forward to it, but oh well. Kyle and I are going to breakfast afterwards, and then I'm getting dropped off in Windham to sleep on a couch and spend time with my mom. I will post photos ASAP of our new living situation once everything is all set up :).

Moving, tattoos, and other goodies.

2008-09-30T14:12:00.003-04:00

Well, I've officially told my parents I'm moving out. I went to dinner with them and some other members of my family last night for my sister's birthday. It was awkward in the beginning, but I think it went really well. They're giving my room to my sister once I move my bed and bureau out, which I think is the plan for today. I'm excited to move everything here and get things situated, I think then things will feel permanent.

My Dad gave me the savings bonds I've been getting since I was born, and at face value, I have about $3,400. Some probably aren't mature yet, and some have been collecting interest for years, so it will probably even out to that amount once I go to the bank and weed through what I can touch and what I can't. I've been looking at cars all day today, and I've found some really nice ones. I'm so excited to get my OWN car. I can't wait to take drives and listen to music, and hopefully learn to drive a stick because I'm looking at buying a manual.

So, the past week, things have been rough. Since I left my house, it's felt like I'm ruining everything/everything that can go wrong, is.

On Saturday, I ran to the pharmacy a few towns over. To get there fast, I usually take this road that isn't REALLY a road. My friends and I usually go offroading there. I made it through just fine, but on my way back home, right when I got onto the road, this happened:

Now lets assess this: I'm by myself. I have work in roughly an half hour. I'm an hour from work atleast. This is my boyfriend's truck. That is one of his brand new tires.

I allowed myself to freak out for about 5 minutes before I worked up the nerve to call my boyfriend and then my work to make them aware of the situation. Luckily, the tires were still under the 90 day warranty, so replacing it would be free. Ray rushed out to rescue me, and being the good girlfriend I was trying to be, messily tried to jack up the truck ahead of time and try to get the tire off. But, that didn't happen because I can't do that for shit, and Ray called to tell me to drive the truck onto flatter ground. Well, I tried to turn it on, and oh hey, the battery was dead. Fail fail fail.

We did fix it though, and I did help by holding the brakes while Ray did everything else. I know, I'm so helpful.

So I got to work late. About an hour. Everyone was understanding.

Besides that, just small things have been happening that make me feel like a complete failure. I'm trying my best to be mature and hold my own ground. I'm broke, again. I hope this upcoming paycheck finally has my raise on it, because I can't take care of myself at $7.28/hour. I'm really thinking about becoming a pharmacist tech at the CVS in Georgetown, because they're desperately looking for someone. It all depends on both their manager and my managers' opinion. Right now, I mostly work weekends only with the rarety of a Monday, and of course I work stock on Wednesday nights. I really don't know how that would all work out right now, especially with the holidays coming up and my hours getting jacked up at my home store. That is why I'm going to talk to the manager about it.

Everything feels temporary right now. Going home yesterday was certainly weird, but I'm sure it will feel worse when I go today to get all my belongings. I want to stay close with my family. I don't want this move to distance us. I feel like I've already achieved so much now that I've moved out. I have all this money for a car to get, and when I lived there, they wouldn't let me touch the money. Living on my own really drives me to get active in so many ways. I'm aiming for a car that costs about $2500, that way I'll have about 1 grand to put aside for college. I want to start saving on the very side for a house. I don't want to live here forever, I eventually want to get a house with Ray. I don't want to waste money on an appartment because it never pays you back. Atleast a house is an investment. That will take a while though, but I still think it's good to save now.

I also want to get another tattoo really soon. I know it sounds very unneccessary for me, someone freshly on her own, and very broke, to be getting a tattoo, but I really want to get something that marks this new independence. I obviously wont do this until I pay off my credit card (because the tattoo bill will likely be going on that, haha). I want to get maybe three feathers either falling down my ribs/side, or on my shoulder. I want them to be of decent size, but that all depends on the placement. I saw the perfect style I want. I also want to get something photography related, and this girl has truely inspired me to get a tattoo like hers, only somewhere on my arm or down the base of my neck:

Here's a link to where I found that: here. I'm also a fan of the few tattoos posted in the comments section.

And here is the style I want for my feathers:

It will be slightly different, a bit larger, and I want some shading and I can't decide if I'd want it to have any color or not.

I like hers, too. It's cute.

I need to go finish doing laundry now. I enjoy it, for some awkward reason. I'm excited to go grocery shopping again, though most of the food I bought is still not eaten, haha. I think I'll wait till Friday or Saturday.

AH

2008-09-28T19:48:00.002-04:00

I JUST SPILLED MY BRAINS HERE AND IT DELETED. WHICH IS SO TYPICAL BECAUSE I WAS JUST BITCHING ABOUT HOW SHITTY MY LIFE IS AND HOW DESTRUCTIVE I AM.

New beginnings

2008-09-26T11:44:00.002-04:00

I'm living with my boyfriend now. It's nice, and it's deffinitely a big change. It will take some time to get used to, but it's not bad at all, it's cool.

I was not ready to move yesterday. I knew the day was coming when I would up and leave, but I didn't think so soon. I was a mental mess yesterday, and I packed what I assumed I would need to hold me over until atleast the weekend. I left my fish, a bunch of software I need for my devices, my bed, most of my clothes (that I don't wear), my shoes. The list goes on and on. I think on Monday, I'll go back home during the day before I have work, and grab some more things. I can't be there while my parents are, that would just be a mess.

I wonder if they understand that I've left with the intentions to not come back, or if they just think I'll be gone for a few nights to cool down or let them cool down. I bet they were kind of suprised this morning to find me not in my bed. I think the fact that I took the scale kind of suggests I'm moving out, so they probably got it when they went into the bathroom. I don't know. I don't really have a clue as to what is going on.

It's all just such a mess. I didn't really want to leave, because I have everything there, where I need it. I miss my dog, and I feel bad for leaving my sister. We're close, and I wish I had told her the truth when I left yesterday, but instead I told her I was going away for a little bit. I feel hurt when I think about all the things that are going to be left out of my life now, but it's not like I wont see everyone ever again.

As for my parents, I'm sure our relationship will not be even close to what it was. My Dad gave me the same ultimatum that his father had when he graduated, and when he left, they never spoke. I always wanted to grow up and have a healthy relationship with my family, but clearly that will not happen, no matter if I stay or if I go. I've been thinking a lot about all the things my father had said one night, about how I was the best thing that happened to him, and he was so proud of me. It hurts to know he doesn't feel that way now, I'm not Daddy's little girl. Maybe I'm just scared to grow up, to move on and let seperation occur.

I brought my babydoll with me. I felt bad leaving her alone. I still sleep with her everynight. I've had her since I was sick in the hospital. She came attatched to a balloon my Nana and Papa got for me. She's some kind of comfort for me. I don't know why I'm still so attatched to her, at eighteen.

I'm going to get ready and head to the store for some food and necessities. It looks like I forgot my deoderant, even though I could have sworn I packed it. And I need some lotion because I can't stand to not have any on.

I'm down to 131 lbs, my lightest yet. I fasted for 24 hours, not purposely, yesterday. It's nice being down that low. Maybe I can make 130. Hah, right.

Leaving

2008-09-25T13:50:00.002-04:00

I'm leaving.

I'm so extremely hurt by everything. I'm tired of the way I feel when I live here, and how unwelcome I am. I'm sick of having the world expected from me. I'm sick of being ashamed because I can not put myself through college or buy a car, though with the two of those, my parents are the ones who've held me back.

And I'm so extremely tired of how manic you both are. One day, I have the world to wait to do something drastic. The next, you've given me a set time of two weeks to do something nearly impossible if it were by your own standards.

I guess this is the day I've been expecting for a while now. I'm being pushed out the same way you were by your father, only two months later. I know what I'm about to do will have reprocussions on our relationship for the rest of our lives. I'm aware. There's going to be the same distance that is present with your parents. I feel like I am ruining everything we've had, but that's not true. That was ruined a long time ago.

Now, you'll have a house without me. It will be easier, I assume, because I'm only an irritation in your "picture-perfect" life. The art of having a grown daughter must be too much work. Not like it matters, since I don't contribute. The money I have and spend to help out really doesn't count, I guess.

I hate Windham, New Hampshire. Almost everything that has ever broken me, has happened here. I'm sick of the way this small town's borders strangle me. I'm glad to shake this town off my skin.

So here it is, the time to grow up. I know it will not be easy. But, living here wasn't either. I'll actually be able to accomplish something in the real world.

Hello Autumn

2008-09-23T00:39:00.001-04:00

With you, comes art.

Wanting.

2008-09-22T01:20:00.004-04:00

I don't know why I'm still sitting here. I've been getting lost in images.

I want new lens. I want a Polaroid. I want to be eccentric, with my little knit hat. I want skinny jeans and tight shirts with long, never ending sleeves. I want love in a cup of tea and a piece of mind the size of cake. And an empty belly. I want long nails and different hair. More jewerly and holes and ink.

And sometimes I wish I'd have nowhere to go. Just so I can be free and let my mind roam with no walls.

Sleeping Sucks.

2008-09-19T00:59:00.002-04:00

I'm feeling slightly mental. Today, I woke around 2 pm after going to bed at 9. I thought it would be a good idea to get some fresh air, and I fell asleep outside for about half an hour.

Then, I go to my boyfriend's, and we end up sleeping from 9 until almost midnight. I hate this sleeping pattern, although it's not really ruining anything right now. Hopefully, I'll be able to sleep a full night's sleep tonight.

I kind of enjoy this alternate lifestyle. I like that the earliest I need to get up for work is 7 am. That's nothing. I'd kill myself if I had to go back to the way I slept during the school year. Up at 5 am. Usually not even in bed till midnight or later. I like looking back on this school year and seeing all the highlighting points of my fucked-up self. After things happened in November, I started staying up till 2 or 3 am, and still managing to wake by 5 and function through school. Clearly, that is a sign of abnormality in me, and I know I couldn't do that now if I tried. It's funny what nerves do to you.

I have work tomorrow until 7:30. I plan to wake early hopefully after all this sleep and go to the gym. I'm anxious to get paid tomorrow and see the difference my raise makes. I need to lose more weight. I've very low right now, but I keep fluctuating. I hit 132 the other day which was nothing short of amazing for me, and I want to get below that. I really want to make it to 130 by the end of this weekend.

Bed time at 9 am.

2008-09-18T08:59:00.003-04:00

Okay, so I guess I lied, because I have nothing meaningful to say.

I'd appreciate a nice, hot shower, but I think I'll appreciate bed more if it comes first. I've been awake 24 hours.

I feel so discusting.

I'm jumping into bed naked and pulling the blinds. I just want sleep.